Tag: 2020

2020 vibes

2020 vibes

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 1 Comment

I’ve been rewriting this entry for about 6 weeks now, because every time I’ve gone to sum up how I’ve felt for the past 18 months, I’ve ended up being brutally honest about how, at points, I’ve not been very happy. Then I wake up the next morning, and I’m embarrassed about being such a downer the day before. But the fact is, that ever since I moved to university, and ever since being thrust into long periods of isolation, there have been a fair few moments when I’ve felt really down. More down than I’ve felt in a while.

If I think about it, then it’s easy to attribute it to lots of things in my life – huge changes, new stresses, the usual stuff. I know it’s normal, and I feel a lot better now than I did in the Spring, or even a couple of weeks ago when I started writing this. Nonetheless, the past 18 months have been really hard, I’m really tired, and though I have lots of things to feel excited about this year, the first couple of weeks of 2021 have felt like we’re going to have much of the same for the foreseeable future. And it’s difficult to have to force yourself to keep looking on the bright side when normally, you don’t have to think about it so regularly.

For me, isolation meant that I had a lot of time to sit on my own and think. This allowance to just stop for a minute seems like it helped a lot of people all over the world. But my brain just started to get hung up on the negatives, and I started to get more critical of myself than I’ve ever been before. I became acutely aware of how lonely I’ve felt at points over the last 18 months, and somewhere along the line that morphed into me shaming myself for sleeping with men. Don’t ask me when, how or why. I also started to think that I must be stupid if I can’t remember those 15 Japanese grammar structures 10 minutes after I’ve been told them. I thought maybe I just wasn’t good enough. But worst of all, for the first time in my life I started to feel like when I’m at university I should cover up my callipers so that I don’t draw attention to them. I don’t even think I’ve ever been to my university library wearing clothes where you could see my shoes. And that’s not like me at all.

However, it’s difficult for me to admit these things in such a public way because I know that my friends and family won’t enjoy reading this, and will probably tell me off for being such an idiot. I know these thoughts are stupid, I know there’s nothing wrong with the way I am or the way I look, I know it’s dumb to feel so lonely, I don’t regret anyone I’ve ever slept with, and I know how lucky I am in so many ways. But it gets tough out here sometimes.

If we’re going to get anthropological, sociological, or just a bit nerdy about it, then a lot of the things I’m feeling can be traced to the fact that society just doesn’t like young women to succeed. It encourages us to criticise each other, but more importantly, our societal structures and expectations ask women to tear themselves to shreds so that they can be as inoffensive to the world as possible. Thus, all the millions of pressures coming from every b*stard direction can sometimes get the better of you – no matter how much you love yourself. So don’t feel stupid, weak, or guilty if you can’t always bat them off.

I’ve had some really upsetting moments in 2020 – like everyone else – but I also laughed every single day. And as long as we can still manage to do that, then it’s not all bad, is it?

So Happy New Year kids; let’s have some better vibes this time around the sun.

Xx

2019

2019

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

2019 has been the most influential year of my life, and it’s one that I’ll remember until I’m an old disabled lady, sitting in a comfy bed, complaining about the state of young people and their antics. Though, I kind of hope that I won’t do that last bit…unless it’s ironically…

Nepal was my first insight into what absolute bliss feels like. My favourite memory (of many) is sitting in a small pagoda in front of the monastery, on the side of a mountain, hidden by the jungle, as the sun was setting. I remember stroking the puppy sitting on my knee, 4 other dogs at my feet, and listening to the children singing their prayer in the temple to the background noise of all the other wildlife. I’m not religious at all, and I’m not really a spiritual person, but in that moment I completely understood why those monks chose to spend their lives in spaces such as that, away from the noise of the modern world. And no, I didn’t record it, since no recording on any device would’ve been able to capture it- but it’s always going to be in my head.

South Korea re-ignited my love for the Far East, and showed me that I can manage my disability on that side of the planet after all. The biggest indicator of this being the fact that I successfully spoke (broken) Korean in A&E of a hospital in Seoul, got myself some antibiotics, and didn’t have to fly home immediately. Oh, and I went on a date with a Korean policeman. Good times.

Fiji was the hardest of my trips. I had some points of bliss like Nepal – the most notable being singing to myself on a private island whilst washing dishes in the pacific ocean. It might not sound as sublime as how I described the scene in Nepal, but I liked the simplicity of it and I love the ocean, so it was perfect to me. But, I didn’t like all of my experiences in Fiji so I learnt how important, and possible, it is to make the best out of a disappointing situation.

Ukraine worked me harder than any of my travels, and it was some of the most fun I had this year. I have so many memories from those 2 months that it’d be too hard to pick a favourite. What that time taught me more than anything, was that I lOve people, and that I need to keep making friends from all over the world. As one of my wonderful American pals put it when we realised that we didn’t know when or if we’d have the chance to see each other again, I love knowing that you all exist somewhere in the world. I hope that you keep making people smile as much as you made me smile for those 2 months in the middle of the Carpathian Mountains.

This year I realised so much about myself and others whilst being in different countries, that when I came back I was able to appreciate everything in my native country so much more. To me, the Yorkshire hills are as beautiful as the Nepali mountains and the safety of being with people I’ve known forever, is just what I needed after all that newness. (That is a word btw, google it).

But overall, 2019 has taught me just how much I want to know about the world and everything in it. So I hope that the next 12 months bring me as many adventures as the last, and that next year’s post has as many happy memories in it as this one.