On Monday I had some really gratifying conversations with my group of friends. All the points we made and discussed, are points that I want to write about in future blogs but one in particular sparked this entry.

For a while I’ve been wanting to discuss what it’s like to be disabled in the dating world, but I’ve never really known how to articulate it. The truth is: I find it really unfortunate just how much it probably does affect how I’m perceived by boys, because it’s something about myself that I absolutely cannot control.

When my friend asked me whether I think my disability affects my dating life, my immediate answer was: yes, but I don’t think that anyone ever told me. My response may come as a surprise because as I’ve said before, I’m aware that once someone spends time with me, it’s very easy to forget that I’m disabled.

The thing is though, no matter how confident or independent or self-sufficient I am, I will always be disabled and will always have to live my life with certain adaptations for my health. When people get into a romantic relationship with someone, everyone has some preconceived idea about what it’s going to be like. These preconceptions come from all the popular culture and media we consume on a day to day basis – and have done for years. But very rarely does that popular culture include examples of relationships where one person is physically disabled and the other is not.

In the past year, I’ve gotten particularly impatient with my failed attempts at romance – as you’ve probably noticed hehe. Whenever one has failed, like most people I find myself looking for reassurance that sometimes it can work out. So I look around me, and at the media. But never ever ever ever do I see myself reflected in the relationships shown. I don’t often see couples on the street where one of the two is disabled. I definitely barely see it on Instagram. And I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen a famous person with a physically disabled partner walk a red carpet.

If I have seen a couple like this in the media or popular culture, it’s often felt tokenistic. By this I mean, in television programmes or Snapchat ‘Born Different’ stories it’s examples of severely disabled people and their partners. Whilst it’s (rightfully) always a celebration of those love stories, I still don’t feel represented or particularly comforted by them. And with that, the disability always seems to overwhelm everything else that makes that person attractive. Can you not be hot and disabled? Can that not be a thing too?

I don’t feel disabled enough to relate to those permanently in a wheelchair or with more severe illnesses than I. But then I’m still disabled, so I can’t fully relate to anyone who isn’t.

Since we don’t see examples of couples where one person is (not severely) physically disabled, subconsciously that plays a part in how we date. I’m not trying to say that it makes someone a bad person for not finding someone with a disability attractive, because that might not even play a part in how you feel about them. But then again, the intimidation which might come with how little you can relate to that part of someone’s life and the degree to which you feel prepared to try, might well shape your decision about dating someone.

Explaining what it’s like to be disabled to someone who has no idea, is an impossible task because no matter how hard they try, they just can’t access that type of human experience. So that’s obviously going to be intimidating when dating someone because you literally canNOT connect with them on such a huge level. And that might not be what you want. I totally get it.

In light of this, this blog is not meant to be a guilt-trip; I understand why people might do what they do – both consciously and subconsciously – when it comes to dating. Obviously I’d love to feel more represented, and to feel that my disability 100% doesn’t affect my dating life, but I can’t change the world overnight with my ramblings.

What is important, is that you know that just because someone has an issue that you know nothing about, that that doesn’t then mean that you would be useless at helping them with it. Disability needs to be more visible and in all honesty, we need to see more relationships in the public eye where a disabled person has an ‘able’ partner.

The day I see someone ridiculously famous walk a red carpet hand in hand with their physically disabled boyfriend/girlfriend, I think I might actually shed a tear.