I’m not boring, I swear

7th Nov 2022 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’ve been humbled this month, because it’s now painfully clear to me that I’m a lot of talk when it comes to romantic relationships and not a lot of walk. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the girl who sits there and reels off the relationship advice to my friends when they’ve come to me with problems – not to mention the blogs I’ve written on the subject – without ever really knowing what I’m talking about. (But to be fair, I must be pretty decent at this agony aunt role, given that my friends keep asking me for help…)

Like most, I’ve had my fair share of mistreatment in romantic situations but I also haven’t reeeaally put myself fully out there since I was a teenager, so as much as I talk about this topic, I’m more of an observer in this world rather than an active participant. And I’ve cemented this as a part of my identity, by having a tendency to latch onto situations I know aren’t going to work, simply because the inevitability of it never really going anywhere means I don’t ever really have to put myself out there. So basically, I’m just really scared of falling in love, and the world of dating kind of freaks me out.

Honestly, I just find it strange that you’re meant to go to spend time with someone you barely know, present yourself to them, and then at the end of those few hours spent together, decide whether ‘there’s anything there’. And yes, I acknowledge that I do think about these things far too much and should just let it be, but you only have to watch one episode of First Dates to be reminded of just how stress-inducing this type of human interaction is. It’s as if the idea that this is the time when you should get to know a person sucks every ounce of relaxation out of the moment and just transforms it into one hundred and one ways to say something you’d probably never say if you were with your friends, but you’re saying it now because you’re across from someone who’s expecting to get to know you, but what do you actually mean when you ask me what my hobbies are? What even are my hobbies? Do I have hobbies? I swear I wasn’t this boring when I was texting my friend before I arrived here.

And breathe.

That paragraph probably made me seem more stressed about this kind of situation than I actually am, but the point I’m trying to make here is that it’s okay if you’ve been in these situations, where you’ve had this outer-body experience where it’s felt like you’re watching yourself act completely differently to how you know yourself to be. It’s likely because (as I mentioned in last week’s blog), you’re in a situation with a total stranger and it’s a lot to expect yourself to be completely open with them after knowing them for a matter of hours. Plus, dating is a skill which we only seem to gain with practice – I for one do not currently possess this skill. Can I flirt with someone in my general day to day if the feeling is right? Yes I can. Do I know how to apply that to a context which has been explicitly labelled as a date? No I do not. Does that makes any sense? No it does not. But we move! As the marines would say: improvise, adapt, overcome.

Short sidenote here as well: it’s a very British thing for us to not get excited about stuff we love, and to talk down our successes when we’re with other people. Don’t do that, you don’t need to do that. If you’re excited about something or you love it, then speak!! Passion about something is only ever going to be attractive and as a nation, we are poor at talking ourselves up because we don’t want to seem lame. So let’s try to not do that.

Dating is a truly foreign world to me, and falling in love high-key terrifies me. However, flirting is fun, dating is fun, and I’m sure falling in love is some of the most fun a person can possibly have. Therefore, to all my friends who’ve been trying to put themselves out there recently, I’d like to say that I completely understand the frustration of ‘how am I supposed to know if I like this person, when I’ve only spent a few hours with them?’.Nonetheless, my best friends have put me in check by instructing me to only focus on the moment, rather than always going for five steps ahead. Treat it like those flow chart quizzes we used to get in magazines when we were little: do you enjoy spending time with this person? If yes, follow that arrow to ‘see them again’ and if no, follow the arrow to ‘don’t see them again’, and take it from there.

We’ve all been hurt by someone at some point – possibly more than we’d first considered- but it’d be a shame to let that past hurt dictate how much fun you can have in the future. So, trust your instincts and if you make a mistake or if you come across something you don’t like, then hey, that’s helpful information too.

Now brb whilst I try to follow my own advice.

It’s all just a bit too vanilla if you ask me

24th Oct 202224th Oct 2022 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This is going to feel quite strange to type, but my blog is nothing if not a reflection of what my friends and I have been saying to each other recently, so I’m just going to get straight to it: the ladies in my life are immensely sexually frustrated right now. Some have already fallen victim to their impulses by texting someone that they absolutely shouldn’t, but I hold out hope that by bringing attention to this problem on the blog, we can save some of my friends from that same unfortunate fate.

But before we dive into the details of the sexual frustration complaints I’ve been hearing from the gals, I’d first like to draw attention to the fact that a woman’s desire for sex is vastly underestimated by our society. I mean, most cis lads I’ve come across have assumed that their libido has always been way stronger than that of their cis female peers, but my god, I dare you to spend twenty minutes in a women’s bathroom on a Friday night, or eavesdrop on a group of lasses having a meal together, and then tell me the same thing. Women aren’t nearly as passive as we’ve been told we should be.

Western society has always had a tendency to think that women should feel apathetic towards sex unless there’s something wrong with them, in which case they’re totally obsessed with sex to the point of mania. So basically, either a woman isn’t really bothered about it, or she’s got a problem. This, along with all the other super helpful aspects of living in a patriarchy, has meant that women often feel like they shouldn’t talk about their sexual desires because if they do then they’re going to come across as a slut. However, there’s often a moment in female friendships where you and the woman you’re speaking to try to work out whether this is a safe environment for you to say exactly what you’re feeling, without judgment. It doesn’t always work out this way, but if you’re able to establish that type of trust as an aspect of your friendship, then you’d be lucky if you ever stop talking about sex and relationships with each other.

So, let’s get back to what the ladies have been saying recently then, shall we? Well, the general consensus isn’t that these young women aren’t getting attention from men – lots of them have dating apps where they’re messaging a few lads, or they’ve got some sort of work romance on the go. Their frustration, it seems to me, is coming from the fact that they’re not excited by any of it; the lads they’re meeting up with are lovely, and the conversations are nice, but they want passion. They want someone to give them a good old (consensual, of course) grab, kiss them up against a wall, stop tiptoeing around, and be told exactly what the lad’s thinking so they don’t have to keep guessing and can skip to the fun bit.

But finding this type of connection is difficult and incredibly rare – I’m still holding out for it too gals, don’t worry, I get you. And it’s tricky because when we complain about this heavy sense of boredom we’re all feeling at the minute with dating and sex, we can forget that sometimes we’re expecting lads to read our minds and make all the moves. Clearly, this is us enjoying an aspect of patriarchy that places the man as the one responsible for moving a heterosexual romantic relationship along, but it’s not entirely fair to expect that. However, I for one have made a lot of moves on lads and haven’t gotten much back so yes, it’d be nice to have one do the same for me at some point. And I’m sorry boys, but from the many many tales I’ve heard from young women, you’re actually a bit hopeless at reading signs…even when those signs have been the lass literally saying ‘I really like you, let’s do something’. At that point, you’ve got nothing to lose man, take a (not so risky) riskkkkk.

It goes without saying that romantic relationships are difficult, and navigating the early stages with someone that you don’t really know that well, trying to work out whether you’ve upset them or stressed them out can induce a lot of daily stress. Also, I know that I’m coming at this from the cis-female heterosexual perspective and hence it won’t be relatable for everyone; for example, I’m sure that men have plenty of frustrations they’d love to voice about dating young women as well. But just because something isn’t relatable to everyone, doesn’t mean that it isn’t relatable to anyone, and I’ve had far too many conversations with my female friends recently where we’ve been laughing/screaming/laughing about the lack of romantic passion in our lives.

So, to conclude, the ladies don’t want to date or have sex for the sake of it right now, they want something exciting; someone to be interested in them enough to make romance and sex fun for everyone involved. We’re just holding out for a bit more flavour.

Swipe right if you need help

10th Oct 2022 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Now, this blog is nothing if I don’t use it as a way to transcribe and elaborate on conversations I’ve had with friends, and recently, no matter who I’ve been talking to, all anyone wants to talk (or rant) about is dating apps. So, when in Rome…

Once again, we’ve found ourselves in the time of year when it’s starting to get colder, the days are shortening, and all of a sudden everyone’s hot girl summer is over and we’re all starting to feel self-conscious about our relationship status as we settle back into a work or university routine. Then, when we mix all these seasonal life changes with our reliable friend boredom, we end up sitting on the sofa watching tv one night, downloading a dating app to get some attention from a stranger. It’s a toxic tale as old as time.

Personally, I’m not a fan of dating apps. I don’t like trying to pre-empt which photographs best represent what I look like and how I am as a person, and honestly, every time I make a profile it just ends up making me feel lame because I can nEVER think of something witty to write in a bio. All of a sudden everything interesting about myself completely disappears from my brain, so I go for the less is more approach, but now I look boring. Then as the swiping commences, I get more superficial and judgemental than I would normally be as I over-analyse every photograph and bit of text I come across, looking for someone who’s done everything in their profile I couldn’t manage twenty minutes ago. Next, there’s the texting. Oh my god I hate the texting. I just can’t be bothered!!! Which is so silly because by the time I’ve made it to the texting part, we’ve both already established that we’re somewhat interested in each other, so this part should be simple. But nope, something in my brain switches and tells me that I now don’t fancy them at all because I can’t be bothered to small talk, so I probably keep the app for a couple more days until I eventually delete it again.

Although, I’ve not met a single person who loves having these dating apps, so why is it that it’s started to feel like you have to have them if you want to meet someone?

We say that we don’t want anything intense and we want meeting someone to be natural, but then we spend time on these apps which encourage us to be picky about literally everything. I mean, I aired someone the other day because he’d texted me asking me about three questions in one go and I felt like I didn’t have the time or the energy to answer. But if someone asked me those questions in person, I’d be all over it, so why did I air him just because he’d texted it?! WhERE is the logic? (The questions, by the way, were about my favourite book, where I’m from, and why I’ve moved here – all lovely questions, so I had literally no excuse to not answer them.)

When I sit and have these types of conversations with my friends, it’s funny really, because we can all identify that we’re acting in totally nonsensical ways just because we feel like we should have these apps and we should be talking to someone. But thankfully, I’m not lonely enough right now to be upset about not dating anyone, so the frustrations which come with dating apps aren’t hitting me as hard as they have before. This is partly because I’m constantly busy, but also because honestly, I – like many young people in this country – have accepted that the world of romantic relationships is a big old mess right now, and that you’ve really got to not let that get to you.

So, keep the dating apps if you want to, but make sure that you do like Marie Kondo says, and you throw them away if they’re not sparking joy.

There’s no shame if you download it again three months later though, we’ve all been there.

Netflix and..?

18th Jan 2022 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So guess what I tried out last week then.

*guesses*

Tinder. I tried Tinder. lol.

Now, there will be quite a few people who know me very well who’ll be thinking ‘what is she on about, she’s had that app plenty of times before’. And yes, I downloaded it at points when I was a bored teenager, looking for some validation from strangers, as well as something which felt slightly risky to do. I know, I was a wild child: hold me back. Then when I started at university, the pulling scene was tragically dire because nobody here seems to be able to do anything without a drama ensuing, or, it turning out that that random person you got with the other night knows every person in your friendship group. (You might think that I’m overexaggerating, but I’m deadly serious: everyone’s connected in Durham in some way or another).

So yes, I’ve HAD Tinder on my phone before. But have I kept it for more than 3 days? No, I have not. And have I expended much energy texting anyone before? No, I have not. So this time, with the New Years’ Resolution of no drama in mind, I took to the internet and I committed to having Tinder on my phone for a week. Which doesn’t sound like very long, but it was quite substantial for me.

The reason I’ve always been so quick to delete Tinder is simply because I don’t like how soulless the whole thing is. I’m not on board with the fact that you’re judging people in a matter of milliseconds based on the photos they’ve chosen to represent them; it takes away all of the fun of being surprised by someone having good chat, or being really funny, or clever, or charming, or any other aspect of what actually makes a person a person. Also, the pressure of writing a bio to describe exactly what I’m like is far too much. I can’t be funny on command. Plus there’s the whole thing of, do I explain my disability straight away, or do I wait until we meet, do I want to have those conversations on Tinder with a stranger? blah blah blah

More than anything though, I’ve always had a level of anxiety around the idea that I’d spend time texting a stranger and then have to actually MEET UP with them. And I know that that sounds stupid, since I’m not shy in social situations, but maybe the fact that I’ve never been on a ‘first date’ before makes me freak out at the idea of what it would actually be like, so then the concept of seeing someone I’ve met from TINDER (!) goes against every instinct I have. Nevertheless, a few of my friends have had successes when it comes to the app, so I thought in this romantically hectic university environment, I’d give it a go.

I’m not going to go into crazy details about my experience but long story short, I texted someone for a few days, he was nice, I was feeling spontaneous and I went round to his to watch a film. (Before you start, we did actually watch the film, that wasn’t a euphemism.) As nice as the evening was however, it did solidify that the Tinder life is just not the one for me. It’s too orchestrated. I know that it depends on what you want from it, and I definitely wouldn’t want a relationship from Tinder, but even the prospect of just wanting sex out of it, I don’t know, I think I like the build-up too much.

As far as I’ve seen, the pandemic has made it so we’ve kind of forgotten how to flirt with each other. We’re so not used to being able to be in rooms with people we know, that we don’t always remember how much fun it can be to interact with total strangers. To me, flirting isn’t something you only do with a person you’re attracted to and I know that that approach has gotten me into trouble a bit sometimes because people have misinterpreted my intentions towards them. But speaking to someone in a flirtatious way can be subtle and nuanced, and merely a method for having a bit of a laugh: it really doesn’t have to be that deep.

So, there we go, the second week of January 2022 showed me that I like the dance of working someone out when I first meet them, and Tinder just sucks all of the fun out of human interactions for me. If it doesn’t do that for you then power to you – everyone’s different. But, I don’t think that that app will be making an appearance on my phone again any time soon and if you do spot me on there, then ask me if I’m okay please.

I don’t wanna hear it anymore

1st Nov 2021 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Sometimes when I’m at a house party, people come up to me and ask me about my blog, often interested in how I decide what to write about. The only way I can describe the process is that a topic will pop into my head, and I’ll feel a compulsion to type something about it: I guess it’s like a diary in that sense. Unlike a diary though, I know that these words will be read by others so I edit them and I rationalise them in an attempt to not sound like a prat. I can’t promise that I manage it every time, but we do our best. Although today, I’m not going to edit and I’m not going to rationalise: we’re just gunna go with it.

To make an extremely long, and tumultuous story short, in the past couple of weeks I’ve come to realise that I’ve never really been in a romantic situation with a lad where he’s tried as hard to get to know and understand me as much as I have him. I’ve consistently been the one who’s been actively interested in a bigger way than the physical sense; asking all of the questions, noticing the small things, and making an effort to work out what’s important to the person I’m interested in. And this realisation came to me when I was cleaning my room, sorting my shoes out, listening to music. I was feeling so relaxed and so honestly myself, and it made me think that there are so many parts of who I am that I’ve never shared with someone because I’ve been too busy trying to get to know them, and they’ve never asked.

That feeling was of course, kind of sad, but at the same time, it made me realise just how stressful ‘dating’ can be. How people have spent so much time and energy messing with my head, telling me yes then telling me no then telling me they would if they could but they can’t so they won’t; making it seem like I’m involved in the situation when really it’s just about them. I’m involved by name, but I’m never particularly relevant. Yawn.

So I went upstairs to my housemate the other day when I was feeling a little low, and I mentioned all of these feelings to her, and after listening to me she thought over all of the romantic relationships she’s had with boys and she completely empathised with me. Then without even bringing up how I’ve been feeling, multiple girls just this week have told me how they’re tired of being wanted physically; being told they’re hot by a drooling drunken boy at 2am, but never being given the time of day once the sun comes up.

Fortunately, I’m pretty emotionally robust so I can deal with the rejection. However, just because a person’s self-esteem is in decent condition, that doesn’t make it indestructible. And being told by someone that they’re really into you, or they really fancy you, is lovely for 2 seconds but it very quickly becomes hurtful if all it is is words. What I mean by that, is that the words become less believable if you don’t do anything about them. I’m flattered in the moment, but I’ve been in so many situations like this where boys have put my hopes up so far, then at best ignored me, that at this point I don’t trust words.

I don’t really understand why this is a thing, and I don’t know why I seem to attract it, but god almighty it’s a headache. Not least does messing with someone’s head like this fuck with their feelings, but it made me feel completely objectified at points. After the excitement of the moment had faded, I’d wake up and wonder if what’d actually happened there was a young lad only saying what he’d thought I wanted to hear because he wanted to sleep with me. Making that dramatic confession untrue, and all the emotional turmoil completely unnecessary.

All of this isn’t to say that I hate every lad I’ve had a situationship with; I’m still quite fond of a few of them, but I have to say my piece because I’m tired. Not to mention the fact that a healthy level of self-esteem doesn’t just happen; it’s incredibly fragile and takes a lot of work to maintain. So I refuse to allow the yeah-but-no-but treatment I’ve had from lads this year, to morph into self-criticism and thus take a toll on my self-esteem. Naturally, this is always easier said than done but once again, we do our best.

Thus, I want to finish with a request for all my readers (no matter your gender): please think before you speak. Decide whether what you’re about to tell a person is beneficial to them, or do you just want to say it to help yourself? Go into things with the correct intentions, and try not to fuck with someone’s head in the process. You might not always manage it, but it’s always worth a try. Because personally, I don’t need or want to hear it anymore, if you’re not going to do anything about it.

Let’s talk about sex, bby

15th Nov 202015th Nov 2020 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Talking about sex in a super honest way is rarely done, because if you bring it up, a lot of the time people start to feel nervous, uncomfortable, anxious, self-conscious, etc, etc. And these reactions make perfect sense: sex is one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. However, it’s also nothing to be afraid of, so we should probably start getting more aware of how sex-positive we really are.

Sex-positivity, in the way I understand it, is the recognition and acceptance that sex is a totally normal part of a person’s life. It’s something most of us do, and society should normalise talking about it; especially in the sense that it should be enjoyable for everyone involved.

That sounds pretty simple, right? If you’re sexually active, then you should be enjoying it, and comfortable enough around your friends/family/sexual partner/s to talk about it. But unfortunately, sex-positivity isn’t practised by society as much as it should be.

For women, the idea of sex is both empowering and oppressive. We can take our sexuality into our own hands and decide who we want to sleep with and when, but whilst we’re empowering ourselves and our female friends, there always comes a point when you wonder whether doing this is making you seem like a bit of a slut to the wider world. And nobody wants to be a slut: that kind of reputation rarely ends well.

So we use the word with each other. And by trying to reclaim the term, women are somewhat able to fight against society telling us how much sex we should be having, because after all, my sex life is nobody’s business but my own.

This attitude, however, doesn’t mean that sex-positive women aren’t self-conscious, nervous or conflicted when it comes to sex. You might be totally fine with the concept of a one night stand, but then when you have one, thousands of years of female sexual oppression might start creeping into your head to tell you that you’re a slut and you’re making a fool of yourself. It happens; sexism’s a bitch.

Generally speaking though, sex should never be a thing that’s only appropriate for each gender to speak about amongst themselves. At school, I never saw how it made sense to separate the boys and the girls for the sex education talks. I obviously need to know the details of what’s going to happen with my body, but there’s a whole other half of the population that I’m actively not being told about. So when I develop relationships with that gender, there’s this huge barrier between us already, and I don’t see how that’s helpful.

Sex encompasses so many ideas and emotions that are vital to our relationships with ourselves and each other – regardless of gender. Politics, history, science, philosophy, psychology, anthropology: you name it, talking about sex would probably make parts of it make more sense. But aside from all that nerdy stuff, sex is fun, so why not talk about it in the same way you talk about all the other things you enjoy? That way, when it isn’t fun, you’ll feel comfortable enough around someone to tell them why.

Say what you mean, mean what you say

8th Apr 202010th Apr 2020 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Everyone knows that when you start new friendships at University, one of the most interesting parts of getting to know everyone is seeing how they operate when they’re on the pull. Or at least, I’ve always found it pretty fascinating…

By second term my friends and I were fully getting to grips with this part of each other’s personalities (and LOVING it). We’d all started to notice who had terrible taste in boys/girls, who attracts a certain type of person, who’s picky, who’s not that bothered, who’s shy about it, who’s really not, and so on.

But one mealtime when my female friend and I were talking to a couple of our boys about this, the discussion got pretty spicy.

Basically, the boys said that they find confident girls really attractive, and that they’d love it if a girl was just straight-up with them about what she wanted. They also said that they think that that’s a pretty universal opinion for boys our age. At which point my female friend and I, both very confident and honest with our feelings, told them that boys our age say that but they don’t actually mean it.

Now we live in a pretty PC world, where some people probably read what I just said and thought it outrageous that we tried to dictate an opinion to those boys. 😮 !!! However, what’s important to consider is why we said what we said. And, before someone gets all keyboard-warrior on me, please remember that things like this are always about personal experience.

Most people my age have no notion of who they are at this point in time: a totally normal and healthy position to be in. So when an individual is confronted with someone who appears to be really confident in themselves, incredibly self-sufficient, and very forthcoming with what they want from a romantic partner, that’s not always going to be super attractive. Sometimes it’s the opposite: it’s kind of intimidating, and makes some people feel a lot of pressure to match the other person’s level of self-awareness.

At this point the boys were seeing what we meant, but weren’t quite with us. So we went on to use some anecdotes for context because everybody lOves an aNeCdOte.

My friend explained how she’s very confident in her sexuality, and isn’t afraid to tell her romantic partners what she wants: exactly what many boys have described as vEry attractive. But in her life this confidence has often been misconstrued by boys as her being ‘too keen’, or ‘down for anything’ and ultimately, a bit of a slut.

And in my own case, I said how I’m really not afraid to be myself even in the early days of getting to know a boy – and I’m not afraid of giving a boy a compliment. However, in the times when I’ve offered to do something for someone I kind of like, or said that they look good, or have replied pretty promptly because I can’t be bothered to play the how-long-do-I-wait-until-I-reply game, I’ve also been seen as ‘too keen’ or ‘too much’ and ultimately, a bit too easy (the PC term for slut).

Our boys were totally with us now.

It also started to become a little clearer why some young women prefer slighter, or quite significantly, older men. Our explanation being that when we’ve spoken to men even just a couple years older than us, we’ve both felt a lot less judgement.

We’re all aware that men are more freely allowed to show their confidence: in fact, there’s intense societal pressure encouraging them to do so. It’s also well known that confident women are not as widely celebrated as confident men. Instead, they’re often feared and belittled. It’s just easier and more acceptable to be perceived as sexy if you’re male and confident.

So yes, my friends may well have meant it when they said that they like a confident girl. As your’s also might. But all my female friend and I were trying to say, is that we wish boys were more honest in saying what they like. If you don’t fancy us, then we’ll survive, people have preferences after all. Just don’t mislead us into thinking you’re attracted to our personalities, and then think us slutty when we stay true to them.

No matter any of our opinions and preferences it’s always better to be honest with people, and to show some R.E.S.P.E.C.T! Whether you fancy the person or not.

Tiktok is getting me through

5th Apr 20205th Apr 2020 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In my generation, a big part of the way we connect with one another is through messaging. Some of the best laughs I have with my friends is when we’re all firing messages off in our group chat, getting silly over someone’s use of caps lock or a stupid gif they sent. But somehow society takes those moments of joy and laughter, and categorises them as pitiful or poor examples of ‘genuine’ human connection. All because there’s a screen involved.

In general people like to complain about the amount of time the younger generation ‘wastes’ in front of their devices, and I do I agree with many of the points made in that discussion. However, I don’t see how it’s exclusively the youth who stare gormlessly at their phones for hours. We have to give some credit to the grandmas out there being total Facebook queens: somehow they manage to share, like and comment on every family member’s posts the SECOND they’re posted. And that’s a serious skill which deserves some recognition.

So, yes, clearly young people are the ones who know all the newest apps and how to use them, but it’s not just us ‘wasting’ time on social media.

I’ve put quotation marks around the word ‘waste’ here because I think we need to stop being so constantly negative about social media. It’s no secret that there are huge negative consequences for our physical and mental health when we overuse our phones. And we know that sometimes the internet can be a really dangerous place. But even knowing all of that, I still don’t think that social media is exclusively toxic.

For example, there are a lot of people in the world who find solace in life on the internet. There are stories of kids who feel entirely alone in their physical reality, but the second they step online they feel freer to be themselves. For years children just suffered on their own in places they felt they didn’t belong, and now there’s always another place for them to go to feel accepted. How is that not worthwhile?

With everything, there are positive and negative aspects: there will always be examples of extremes on both sides. Surely, that doesn’t mean that we should solely focus on the negative extreme? What about the good bit?

Like for me now on Day who-cares-what of Peruvian isolation, social media has been a total saving grace for my state of mind. No matter my location or time zone I’ve been able to see, talk to, and even watch films with my friends. We’re still able to laugh hysterically together, and forget the fact that we don’t know how long it’ll be until we can give each other a big phat hug again.

I spend too much time looking at my phone: I know I do. I know that spending hours on end watching Netflix or scrolling through Instagram doesn’t do my mental health much good. I know that after a while it makes me feel lethargic, more self-critical, and a lot less motivated to do anything productive.

BUT, as much as we love to complain about it and as much as we know the problems it gives us, we love social media. We love to laugh at silly videos, we love to sit and message our friends for hours, and we love to zone out and just stare at a screen for a bit.

So let’s just start to admit that we can’t help but love it! Then maybe we’ll work out how to respect it, and have more of a healthy relationship with it.

International Women’s Day

8th Mar 202011th Apr 2020 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In the spirit of International Women’s Day, I thought I’d dedicate a blog to all the strong women out there in the world. So to all my male readers: I’d really like you to read this one.

It’s no secret that I adore men. I grew up in a male-dominated household and will always have a huge part of me which craves attention and friendships with men. So that makes it even more infuriating when I speak about the struggles I face as a female in this world, and people think I’m attacking men. I’m not attacking men by being a feminist, I’m asking them to agree that we’re equal: I’m asking them to love and respect women, as much as I love and respect them.

Sexism is a word that has become trivialised and made into a joke. Feminism is brushed off as ‘crazy’ women growing out their armpit hairs, burning bras and hating men. But sexism exists everywhere, and feminism literally just means that the sexes should be equal – one shouldn’t be perceived as superior to the other. So, if you don’t identify as a feminist then you think that women aren’t entitled to the same rights and respect as men – and if you think that, then seriously, what century are you living in?

No matter your gender, you’ll face various struggles and moments of prejudice in your life – but objectively speaking, you’re already lagging behind if you’ve come into this world as a woman.

We have so many things we have to rail against when it comes to just existing: our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our successes, our failures, our opinions, our desires, our words, our clothes, are all subject to scrutiny and judgement on a day to day basis. And the fact of it is, if we were seen as equal to men in all respects, then every single human on the planet would benefit.

Just think about it: if women weren’t ridiculed for being over-emotional, then would it be so taboo for men to talk about their feelings? If women weren’t objectified sexually and encouraged to be passive, then would men always have to be strong and dominant? If both of the sexes were treated as equals, then how much time and energy would we save on not having to have this conversation over and over?

I’m 20 years old and I’m already bored of it; I can only imagine just how bored women and men who’ve been feminists for years are by now. However, regardless of the obstacles I face living as a young woman, I will always be proud of my gender.

I was lucky to grow up in a household where both of my parents chose to raise 4 feminists: 3 boys and 1 girl. If anything, my brothers got the most attention when it came to that because my parents knew that raising a feminist daughter was important, but not as important as raising feminist sons. No matter what I do, or how proud I am to be a woman, my gender dictates how much respect I’ll receive in the wider world. In order for the genders to be treated equally, unfortunately it’s the men who have to make the most noise: they’re already more likely to be listened to.

So when you see things talking about ‘International Women’s Day’ or ‘Feminism’, they’re not just directed at the women. Women AND men should love, respect and celebrate each other as much as possible, then maybe we’ll get somewhere.

Let’s affect some change boys, and trust me once we’ve done it, we’ll all feel better for it. But can we do it quickly please? I’m getting kinda antsy over here.

Can you be hot AND disabled?

26th Feb 202026th Feb 2020 by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

On Monday I had some really gratifying conversations with my group of friends. All the points we made and discussed, are points that I want to write about in future blogs but one in particular sparked this entry.

For a while I’ve been wanting to discuss what it’s like to be disabled in the dating world, but I’ve never really known how to articulate it. The truth is: I find it really unfortunate just how much it probably does affect how I’m perceived by boys, because it’s something about myself that I absolutely cannot control.

When my friend asked me whether I think my disability affects my dating life, my immediate answer was: yes, but I don’t think that anyone ever told me. My response may come as a surprise because as I’ve said before, I’m aware that once someone spends time with me, it’s very easy to forget that I’m disabled.

The thing is though, no matter how confident or independent or self-sufficient I am, I will always be disabled and will always have to live my life with certain adaptations for my health. When people get into a romantic relationship with someone, everyone has some preconceived idea about what it’s going to be like. These preconceptions come from all the popular culture and media we consume on a day to day basis – and have done for years. But very rarely does that popular culture include examples of relationships where one person is physically disabled and the other is not.

In the past year, I’ve gotten particularly impatient with my failed attempts at romance – as you’ve probably noticed hehe. Whenever one has failed, like most people I find myself looking for reassurance that sometimes it can work out. So I look around me, and at the media. But never ever ever ever do I see myself reflected in the relationships shown. I don’t often see couples on the street where one of the two is disabled. I definitely barely see it on Instagram. And I’m not sure that I’ve ever seen a famous person with a physically disabled partner walk a red carpet.

If I have seen a couple like this in the media or popular culture, it’s often felt tokenistic. By this I mean, in television programmes or Snapchat ‘Born Different’ stories it’s examples of severely disabled people and their partners. Whilst it’s (rightfully) always a celebration of those love stories, I still don’t feel represented or particularly comforted by them. And with that, the disability always seems to overwhelm everything else that makes that person attractive. Can you not be hot and disabled? Can that not be a thing too?

I don’t feel disabled enough to relate to those permanently in a wheelchair or with more severe illnesses than I. But then I’m still disabled, so I can’t fully relate to anyone who isn’t.

Since we don’t see examples of couples where one person is (not severely) physically disabled, subconsciously that plays a part in how we date. I’m not trying to say that it makes someone a bad person for not finding someone with a disability attractive, because that might not even play a part in how you feel about them. But then again, the intimidation which might come with how little you can relate to that part of someone’s life and the degree to which you feel prepared to try, might well shape your decision about dating someone.

Explaining what it’s like to be disabled to someone who has no idea, is an impossible task because no matter how hard they try, they just can’t access that type of human experience. So that’s obviously going to be intimidating when dating someone because you literally canNOT connect with them on such a huge level. And that might not be what you want. I totally get it.

In light of this, this blog is not meant to be a guilt-trip; I understand why people might do what they do – both consciously and subconsciously – when it comes to dating. Obviously I’d love to feel more represented, and to feel that my disability 100% doesn’t affect my dating life, but I can’t change the world overnight with my ramblings.

What is important, is that you know that just because someone has an issue that you know nothing about, that that doesn’t then mean that you would be useless at helping them with it. Disability needs to be more visible and in all honesty, we need to see more relationships in the public eye where a disabled person has an ‘able’ partner.

The day I see someone ridiculously famous walk a red carpet hand in hand with their physically disabled boyfriend/girlfriend, I think I might actually shed a tear.

An Indelible Friend

Tag: love