Tag: male

You’ve gotta stick to your lane

You’ve gotta stick to your lane

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’m the type of person who, in the appropriate situation, would like to look, be, or say something sexy. I’ll go on a night out, spot a wall which looks kind of cool and ask a friend to take a photograph of me in front of it, thinking ‘omg yes this’ll be a good shot’. But then the second the camera starts flashing, I can hold my face for a few seconds before I’ve got absolutely no idea what to do with myself and I end up pulling a stupid face. Orrrrrr, I’ll think I’ve nailed it until my friend hands me back the phone and my figure just hasn’t given what I’d envisioned…so all of the shots head straight to the recycling bin. But it’s not that I’m being consciously self-critical in these moments, it’s just that I don’t think that I give off ‘sexy’ vibes…

By this, I think what I mean is that I don’t see myself as demonstrating a very specific version of femininity associated with models and actresses. I’m visualising the lasses who can take the fire pictures, with the perfect bodies, in the expensive underwear, with the sultry eye contact from across the bar, and the bad bitch vibe where the men come running the second they walk into the room. And even though this expression of femininity is gorgeous, often it’s been constructed in order to make women sexually desirable to men. However, connotations of patriarchy and misogyny aside (very difficult to sweep them aside, but stick with me here), I do still want to be sexy and desirable every now and then – probably even if it comes with a hint of objectification – because in that context it’s on my own terms, but no matter my intentions I just don’t think that I give off that sultry kind of energy.

Hence I wonder, is my slight discomfort with the word a disability thing? Possibly. I mean, for centuries the (physically) disabled body has never been portrayed as sexually desirable, in fact, people have often been encouraged to think of the idea of disabled people having sex as repulsive (if it’s ever thought to happen at all). So yes, that’s probably playing a part in my inner monologue. But I don’t think that that’s the main thing going on here; I think what’s happening is that part of me is assuming that you can only really be ‘sexy’ if others describe you in that way.

We (particularly women) seem to like to categorise ourselves and our friends: at some point, we’ve all decided – actively or passively – who is the ‘cute’ one, the ‘pretty’ one, the ‘funny’ one, the ‘clever’ one, the ‘sexy’ one, and so on and so forth, as if there’s a correct way to be each one of those characteristics. These categories then cement to each of us what we are (and what we’re not), so when we’re described as a word that’s outside of our lane, we assume that a mistake’s been made i.e., I’ve never been the ‘sexy’ one in any friendship group, so that’s probably why I don’t see myself in that light.

So even though I’ve never ended a blog with a homework task, get ready! Because this week I’d like to ask that you consider whether there’s a word (or words) you’ve told yourself you could never be. Then, if you’ve thought of one, the next time you go to the place or do the thing that allows you the time to be with yourself and have a good old think, I’d like you to consider why you can’t be that thing. Finally, once you’ve (hopefully) come to the conclusion that you’re being silly and should stop putting yourself in a box, stop thinking and go do something fun; that’s enough of the internal monologue for one day. Wouldn’t want to overthink it, now would we? Or did I do that already?…

International Women’s Day

International Women’s Day

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

In the spirit of International Women’s Day, I thought I’d dedicate a blog to all the strong women out there in the world. So to all my male readers: I’d really like you to read this one.

It’s no secret that I adore men. I grew up in a male-dominated household and will always have a huge part of me which craves attention and friendships with men. So that makes it even more infuriating when I speak about the struggles I face as a female in this world, and people think I’m attacking men. I’m not attacking men by being a feminist, I’m asking them to agree that we’re equal: I’m asking them to love and respect women, as much as I love and respect them.

Sexism is a word that has become trivialised and made into a joke. Feminism is brushed off as ‘crazy’ women growing out their armpit hairs, burning bras and hating men. But sexism exists everywhere, and feminism literally just means that the sexes should be equal – one shouldn’t be perceived as superior to the other. So, if you don’t identify as a feminist then you think that women aren’t entitled to the same rights and respect as men – and if you think that, then seriously, what century are you living in?

No matter your gender, you’ll face various struggles and moments of prejudice in your life – but objectively speaking, you’re already lagging behind if you’ve come into this world as a woman.

We have so many things we have to rail against when it comes to just existing: our bodies, our minds, our emotions, our successes, our failures, our opinions, our desires, our words, our clothes, are all subject to scrutiny and judgement on a day to day basis. And the fact of it is, if we were seen as equal to men in all respects, then every single human on the planet would benefit.

Just think about it: if women weren’t ridiculed for being over-emotional, then would it be so taboo for men to talk about their feelings? If women weren’t objectified sexually and encouraged to be passive, then would men always have to be strong and dominant? If both of the sexes were treated as equals, then how much time and energy would we save on not having to have this conversation over and over?

I’m 20 years old and I’m already bored of it; I can only imagine just how bored women and men who’ve been feminists for years are by now. However, regardless of the obstacles I face living as a young woman, I will always be proud of my gender.

I was lucky to grow up in a household where both of my parents chose to raise 4 feminists: 3 boys and 1 girl. If anything, my brothers got the most attention when it came to that because my parents knew that raising a feminist daughter was important, but not as important as raising feminist sons. No matter what I do, or how proud I am to be a woman, my gender dictates how much respect I’ll receive in the wider world. In order for the genders to be treated equally, unfortunately it’s the men who have to make the most noise: they’re already more likely to be listened to.

So when you see things talking about ‘International Women’s Day’ or ‘Feminism’, they’re not just directed at the women. Women AND men should love, respect and celebrate each other as much as possible, then maybe we’ll get somewhere.

Let’s affect some change boys, and trust me once we’ve done it, we’ll all feel better for it. But can we do it quickly please? I’m getting kinda antsy over here.

Xx

Like a virgin

Like a virgin

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week I want to talk about the one thing that FILLS the minds of people of all ages, especially those around my age and younger: sex – more specifically, losing your virginity.

It’s a big topic since everyone’s sex life is such a huge deal in today’s society. People put so much pressure on when and how they should lose their virginity, that the act itself is made out to be this big, momentous, personality-shaping, potentially life-ruining moment. To a large extent, I agree that the details of when and how you have sex for the first time are massively important, but not for the same reasons society forces us to believe.

First of all, I don’t believe that there’s a ‘right’ age to do it (except past the legal age obviously). Whenever you choose to have sex, as long as you’re both safe, able to change your minds and feel ready, then so what if you’ve known each other for years or for hours? There’s no need to build it up to be this moment where you need to have been in a relationship for years, on some romantic weekend away, with rose petals on the bed. Let’s be frank, for most people it’s kind of messy and uncomfortable and anticlimactic. Oh, and for most girls, it hurts like a B**** (!) for the first time: yeah, they don’t mention that bit in the movies, do they?

Also boys/girls (but mainly boys): if the girl bleeds, then just be a nice guy and don’t freak out about it. You may not have known that sometimes that happens (and that it’s tOtally normal) but equally, the girl might have had no idea either and your reaction will be a big deal in how she feels about it and herself – both at the time and afterwards. Speaking from experience, the boy I lost my virginity to wasn’t a saint in how he treated me overall, but when I bled he didn’t care one bit so neither did I – if you’re reading this buddy, thanks for that. Xx

Having worked at a girls’ school and just generally being surrounded by people, it’s clear to me that popular culture’s airbrushed narrative of sex and the loss of a person’s virginity is toxic for the individual. You have girls and boys with these unrealistic notions of what sex is going to be like, ultimately ending with disappointment when their reality doesn’t match what they expected. I have so many friends who’ve felt like they nEEded to lose their virginity before University, or in the first week, just so they didn’t have to carry the shame of not being experienced in that area. Sex is a super intimate thing to do with someone, and like everything, you get better with practice.

Personally, I don’t have anything against one-night stands – hey, if you’ve got an itch to scratch, then do you (!safely!) – but I very strongly believe that they should NOT happen through someone being ashamed of being a virgin. That shouldn’t even come into play.

So, if you’re reading this as a virgin, then please don’t force yourself to rush into it just because you think you need to, and don’t expect it to be perfect! I mean, I lost my virginity at 17, but at 20 I’m still yet to thoroughly enJOY sex because, fun fact: it takes a lot of females years of being sexually active and a few sexual partners to get the full experience we all hear so much about. So if you’re in that position too, then it’s cool man, you’re not the only one. Plus, just because you don’t have an orgasm doesn’t mean that it’s not fun.

If you’re over the legal age, feel ready, and are safe (in every way), then you’re good to go. But if you aren’t ALL 3 of those things- even if just 1 of them isn’t right- then like I told my Year 11 girls who asked me about this when I was a Teaching Assistant, the braver and more worthwhile thing to do is just wait until you can tick all 3 of those boxes. Looking after yourself is a l w a y s a good idea, especially when it comes to sex – and that goes for e v e r y o n e.

Losing your virginity might be a bit of a flop orgasm-wise, but as far as I’m concerned sex should always just be fun. So do it with someone that you like and feel good around – that way, it’d be hard not to enjoy it.

A n d u s e p r o t e c t i o n k i d s !