pandemic – An Indelible Friend

I’ve been rewriting this entry for about 6 weeks now, because every time I’ve gone to sum up how I’ve felt for the past 18 months, I’ve ended up being brutally honest about how, at points, I’ve not been very happy. Then I wake up the next morning, and I’m embarrassed about being such a downer the day before. But the fact is, that ever since I moved to university, and ever since being thrust into long periods of isolation, there have been a fair few moments when I’ve felt really down. More down than I’ve felt in a while.

If I think about it, then it’s easy to attribute it to lots of things in my life – huge changes, new stresses, the usual stuff. I know it’s normal, and I feel a lot better now than I did in the Spring, or even a couple of weeks ago when I started writing this. Nonetheless, the past 18 months have been really hard, I’m really tired, and though I have lots of things to feel excited about this year, the first couple of weeks of 2021 have felt like we’re going to have much of the same for the foreseeable future. And it’s difficult to have to force yourself to keep looking on the bright side when normally, you don’t have to think about it so regularly.

For me, isolation meant that I had a lot of time to sit on my own and think. This allowance to just stop for a minute seems like it helped a lot of people all over the world. But my brain just started to get hung up on the negatives, and I started to get more critical of myself than I’ve ever been before. I became acutely aware of how lonely I’ve felt at points over the last 18 months, and somewhere along the line that morphed into me shaming myself for sleeping with men. Don’t ask me when, how or why. I also started to think that I must be stupid if I can’t remember those 15 Japanese grammar structures 10 minutes after I’ve been told them. I thought maybe I just wasn’t good enough. But worst of all, for the first time in my life I started to feel like when I’m at university I should cover up my callipers so that I don’t draw attention to them. I don’t even think I’ve ever been to my university library wearing clothes where you could see my shoes. And that’s not like me at all.

However, it’s difficult for me to admit these things in such a public way because I know that my friends and family won’t enjoy reading this, and will probably tell me off for being such an idiot. I know these thoughts are stupid, I know there’s nothing wrong with the way I am or the way I look, I know it’s dumb to feel so lonely, I don’t regret anyone I’ve ever slept with, and I know how lucky I am in so many ways. But it gets tough out here sometimes.

If we’re going to get anthropological, sociological, or just a bit nerdy about it, then a lot of the things I’m feeling can be traced to the fact that society just doesn’t like young women to succeed. It encourages us to criticise each other, but more importantly, our societal structures and expectations ask women to tear themselves to shreds so that they can be as inoffensive to the world as possible. Thus, all the millions of pressures coming from every b*stard direction can sometimes get the better of you – no matter how much you love yourself. So don’t feel stupid, weak, or guilty if you can’t always bat them off.

I’ve had some really upsetting moments in 2020 – like everyone else – but I also laughed every single day. And as long as we can still manage to do that, then it’s not all bad, is it?

So Happy New Year kids; let’s have some better vibes this time around the sun.

Recently, I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can about the world and other people. Though I’ve always enjoyed asking questions, it’s been the past few years of my life when I’ve really made an effort to engage with what’s going on around me. But I’m not just talking about reading the news, or history books; I’m talking about asking my peers questions about sex and relationships, questioning those in positions of authority, and challenging my own views on things as much as I can.

I’ve not reached any definitive conclusions – obviously, I’ve been on the planet for about 20 seconds. However, one of the things that I have come to realise is that people have a real issue with trusting each other. It’s understandably due to all the corruption and deceit experienced throughout human history. But it seems that even in the moments when there’s no need to be so suspicious, we’re automatically assuming the worst of each other.

And that’s kind of sad.

I’m not saying that people should never be suspicious of others, I’m only saying that in always assuming the worst of each other, we’re really losing sight of the importance of community. To make matters worse, in the total tumult of a global pandemic, our own government are explicitly encouraging us to turn on each other. So it might seem like nothing, but the second our government urge us to snitch on our neighbours, that is the moment when our society has a HUGE problem.

Preaching about your civil rights is all well and good, but remember that you aren’t the only person in this society. You can’t dob people in just because you judge what they’re doing as wrong: it’s your right to live your life the way you want to, but don’t forget that your neighbour has the same rights as you. Let’s not have an ego trip and start playing judge, jury and executioner over a neighbour allowing another person into their own home. Frankly, taking that road leads society to dictatorships, ignoring the presence of concentration camps, and public executions. It definitely doesn’t lead to any kind of effective democracy – it never has.

Thus even though it can sometimes lead to disappointment, we really need to trust each other more. After all, very few people commit crimes sp there’s no need for us to assume that the worst will always happen first.

Government likes to dismantle community to strengthen its own control. But the government won’t be the ones rushing to your aid if you get knocked over by a car and start bleeding in the middle of the street. They won’t be there to speak to you when you’re lonely. They won’t be the ones you ask to look after your children whilst you run to the shop to get some more milk. So be careful about burning your bridges with your community: they’re the people you actually need.

An Indelible Friend

Tag: pandemic

2020 vibes

Is this a witch hunt now?