Tag: romance

For one night only

For one night only

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’m a single woman. We all know this. If you read enough of my blogs then you also know that I’d probably rather not be this: I’ve no issue with being on my own, nor do I feel lacking in any value because of not being in a relationship, but forever being the third wheel or the raconteur of a tedious story has gotten old for me now. So, with this in mind, allow me to take up the next few minutes of your day by being a raconteur of another I’m-a-single-woman-get-me-out-of-here story.

A few weeks ago, I was out with a friend and we did what we always do when we go out together: we got silly. During the getting ready part of the process, we’d decided that that night was going to be one of those where we dressed unnecessarily spicy, drank cocktails and basically did a tour of all the bars in the area. Inevitably, this ended with her gushing to every gal in the toilet about her lovely boyfriend, and me flirting with someone in the smoking area, both of us with arms covered in stamps from the various clubs we’d marched into.

I’m not someone who gets with someone every single time I go out – and I’m defining ‘gets with’ here as meaning either kissing or sleeping with someone, or anything in between – because a lot of the time that’s not on my mind, or there’s nobody there that I’m attracted to. Nonetheless, I’ve still had my fair share of one-night stands. And to be honest, some of the mornings after have included shaming myself for sleeping with someone I met in a club because the patriarchy has a tendency to both, directly and indirectly, label me as a slut for doing so. I’m glad to say that I’ve since grown out of this, as it soon became clear that the dating scene really isn’t providing the goods and my libido still requires as much respect and attention as the men around me are allowed to give their own.

However, there’s really nothing worse than ending a fun night out in bed with a stranger and disappointing sex. Going home with someone you just met is obviously always a bit of a gamble anyway when it comes to having enjoyable sex, but my friends and I have been mentioning a recurring theme that requires some immediate attention.

The stereotype tends to be that men enjoy sex more than women, that women need an emotional connection with the person they’re sleeping with to enjoy it at all, and that generally, women are far more likely to become emotionally attached to a man after sleeping with him. All bullshit. Not specific to any gender, not true; all dangerous assumptions that contribute to it feeling acceptable for women to leave sexual experiences disappointed with the men sitting pretty because they got what they wanted.

I’m a huge believer in the possibility of sex being fun regardless of the emotional connection between the people having it. Obviously, if you’re in love then sleeping together is undoubtedly going to mean more, you’ll know each other’s bodies better, etc, etc. But that doesn’t then also mean that a one-night stand is always going to be terrible; it just depends on how you’re approaching it. For example, you meet in the smoking area of a bar, and you have a very mutual flirt where both of you are putting equal amounts of effort in. You get along – possibly superficially at this point because you think he’s hot, but it still counts – and you enjoy the chat so much you think yes, let’s continue this somewhere else. The whole time this has been a mutual interaction. So why then when my friends and I tell each other these stories, are we each so excited about times when lads have continued this mutual display of effort into the actual sex?

The level of energy you’ll see in a woman’s face when she says she actually enjoyed the one-night stand isn’t really one I can describe, but if you’ve seen it, then you’ll know that there’s pretty much always an air of surprise accompanying it.

The fact is, sex is only ever going to be fun if we’re both involved – or if everyone is involved, I’m not going to make assumptions about what you’re into here. Putting effort into it doesn’t equate to emotional attachment, it just means you’re showing the person you’ve gone home with the respect that they deserve. After all, they’re not there just to service your needs and if you’re not going to give them the correct energy, then they could’ve gone home and had a more fulfilling time with themself.

Where I’m at now, I’m not interested in one-night stands. Odds are it’d be a let-down, so I’d rather dance with the girls, maybe kiss a stranger if his moves are good enough, then wake up in the middle of my own bed. No shame if casual sex is your bag at the minute, just make sure the person(/people) you’re with is giving as much as they’re taking. It’ll be more fun that way.

No likey, no lighty

No likey, no lighty

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

When it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve always felt so sure of what I wanted in a partner. Granted, I’ve gone to and fro when it comes to the importance of each attribute depending on how old I was, where I was living, and what I was doing, but overall, since the age of about 16 I’ve felt certain that I knew exactly what I wanted when it came to romance. But, then I actually started going on dates.

My first ever date was a few months ago and when I tell you that I came away from that date feeling so overwhelmed and confused that I was physically shaking a little, that would not be an exaggeration. Honestly felt like I’d lost my virginity again, it was so intense.

Don’t worry, nothing bad happened on the date to make me so shaken – if anything, the lad was a little too into me, what with trying to kiss me 30 minutes in and talking about taking me to meet his parents shortly after that. Bit heavy. Though on some level, I didn’t really mind him being like that; the thing which threw me for a loop so much was the fact that he was being so publicly affectionate with me and saying all these things without having a milliliter of alcohol in his system and we were in broad daylight. Because when I then sat down to think about it later, I realised that the last time I got close to a lad like that was when I was 17. I’d become so painfully used to boys telling me that they were into me once it’d gotten dark, or once they were a bit drunk, or whilst they already had a girlfriend, or once they thought that they might get the chance to sleep with me, (or a combination of all four of those things), that the idea that somebody might want to kiss me at 12pm on a Tuesday afternoon after getting some lunch in town, then walk down the street holding my hand genuinely freaked me out. Which isn’t great, is it?

My first date didn’t end up amounting to much, however, because I soon got the impression that this lad wasn’t actually interested in getting to know me; he wanted to be in a relationship, but he wasn’t too bothered about being in a relationship with someone if you get what I mean. It didn’t end with any sort of animosity, it was just clear that I didn’t want what he was going for so I politely (and swiftly) called it off.

Then I thought hey, plenty of my friends keep telling me how they’ve had a great time on dates with people they met on Hinge, so let’s stop overthinking it and go on a Hinge date. This one was definitely better – significantly less intense and we had a very lovely time – he was a few years older than me, we went for food after I finished work, and I came away from it feeling pretty good. But as much as I had a really great time, I still wasn’t sure whether I liked him in that way.

I did that internal monologue where you think ‘well, we had a nice time, we’ve got quite a lot in common, he asked questions, I asked questions, he made me feel comfortable, he openly expressed interest in me, he’s a good looking lad, there’s absolutely no reason why I shouldn’t see him again. But I wouldn’t be too fussed if he didn’t text me. If I wouldn’t be bothered though, then does that mean that I’m not attracted to him? How could I know that from spending two hours with a stranger? I didn’t feel as physically attracted to him as I’ve felt to men before. But was it just lust with the times before? Would it be healthier for me to wait and see? He was really nice…’. (Also, he’s an acrobat and that sounded like a lot of fun ygm hey heyyy)

He didn’t text me anyway though (and I didn’t text him), so all that mental energy was a little wasted lol. But to be fair, now that almost two months have passed since that date, I know that I wasn’t into him – not really – I was just trying to second guess whether I’d be sabotaging myself by calling something off with a nice man, simply because I wasn’t head over heels after two hours of conversation.

But now that I’ve told you these tales about my first dates, let’s circle back to the first couple of paragraphs of this blog and ask: what is it that you look for in a romantic partner Betty? Well, stranger, for the very first time I can confidently say that I’ve got absolutely no idea, and yet, (also) for the first time, I’m actually not that bothered. Don’t get me wrong, it’d be nice to be in a relationship with someone and I think that I’m way overdue experiencing that part of life, but I’m now in the position where I don’t want to overthink all the details and create a narrative in my head that doesn’t exist so I end up disappointed when something that was never going to happen anyway doesn’t happen. It takes up too much mental space and it forces me to feel lonely when I’ve no reason to.

Broadly speaking, I want someone who truly knows and is interested in me – intellectually, physically, emotionally – and visa versa, but I’ve got no clue of what that looks like in reality. So, I guess mystery man will just have to show me once he finally decides to show up, ey? I’m not bothered unless he’s worth it though…no pressure then.

Xx

I’m not boring, I swear

I’m not boring, I swear

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’ve been humbled this month, because it’s now painfully clear to me that I’m a lot of talk when it comes to romantic relationships and not a lot of walk. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the girl who sits there and reels off the relationship advice to my friends when they’ve come to me with problems – not to mention the blogs I’ve written on the subject – without ever really knowing what I’m talking about. (But to be fair, I must be pretty decent at this agony aunt role, given that my friends keep asking me for help…)

Like most, I’ve had my fair share of mistreatment in romantic situations but I also haven’t reeeaally put myself fully out there since I was a teenager, so as much as I talk about this topic, I’m more of an observer in this world rather than an active participant. And I’ve cemented this as a part of my identity, by having a tendency to latch onto situations I know aren’t going to work, simply because the inevitability of it never really going anywhere means I don’t ever really have to put myself out there. So basically, I’m just really scared of falling in love, and the world of dating kind of freaks me out.

Honestly, I just find it strange that you’re meant to go to spend time with someone you barely know, present yourself to them, and then at the end of those few hours spent together, decide whether ‘there’s anything there’. And yes, I acknowledge that I do think about these things far too much and should just let it be, but you only have to watch one episode of First Dates to be reminded of just how stress-inducing this type of human interaction is. It’s as if the idea that this is the time when you should get to know a person sucks every ounce of relaxation out of the moment and just transforms it into one hundred and one ways to say something you’d probably never say if you were with your friends, but you’re saying it now because you’re across from someone who’s expecting to get to know you, but what do you actually mean when you ask me what my hobbies are? What even are my hobbies? Do I have hobbies? I swear I wasn’t this boring when I was texting my friend before I arrived here.

And breathe.

That paragraph probably made me seem more stressed about this kind of situation than I actually am, but the point I’m trying to make here is that it’s okay if you’ve been in these situations, where you’ve had this outer-body experience where it’s felt like you’re watching yourself act completely differently to how you know yourself to be. It’s likely because (as I mentioned in last week’s blog), you’re in a situation with a total stranger and it’s a lot to expect yourself to be completely open with them after knowing them for a matter of hours. Plus, dating is a skill which we only seem to gain with practice – I for one do not currently possess this skill. Can I flirt with someone in my general day to day if the feeling is right? Yes I can. Do I know how to apply that to a context which has been explicitly labelled as a date? No I do not. Does that makes any sense? No it does not. But we move! As the marines would say: improvise, adapt, overcome.

Short sidenote here as well: it’s a very British thing for us to not get excited about stuff we love, and to talk down our successes when we’re with other people. Don’t do that, you don’t need to do that. If you’re excited about something or you love it, then speak!! Passion about something is only ever going to be attractive and as a nation, we are poor at talking ourselves up because we don’t want to seem lame. So let’s try to not do that.

Dating is a truly foreign world to me, and falling in love high-key terrifies me. However, flirting is fun, dating is fun, and I’m sure falling in love is some of the most fun a person can possibly have. Therefore, to all my friends who’ve been trying to put themselves out there recently, I’d like to say that I completely understand the frustration of ‘how am I supposed to know if I like this person, when I’ve only spent a few hours with them?’.Nonetheless, my best friends have put me in check by instructing me to only focus on the moment, rather than always going for five steps ahead. Treat it like those flow chart quizzes we used to get in magazines when we were little: do you enjoy spending time with this person? If yes, follow that arrow to ‘see them again’ and if no, follow the arrow to ‘don’t see them again’, and take it from there.

We’ve all been hurt by someone at some point – possibly more than we’d first considered- but it’d be a shame to let that past hurt dictate how much fun you can have in the future. So, trust your instincts and if you make a mistake or if you come across something you don’t like, then hey, that’s helpful information too.

Now brb whilst I try to follow my own advice.

So,you think you’re a sl**

So,you think you’re a sl**

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

At this age, lots of us like to sit with our friends and rip into each other for all the times someone has been a liiiittle questionable when it comes to their romantic relationships – whether those relationships be purely sexual, on the road to something stronger, or somewhere in between. Maybe you’re the prolific dater, maybe you’re the type to get with someone then change your mind the second they start to like you, maybe you really enjoy flirting with people but you’re too picky (*cough* scared *cough*) to commit to something serious. Or, maybe you’re like me and you’re a combination of a few… 🙂 ! Well, whatever you are, as long as you’re not being awful to people, then I don’t see much harm in it. And, the chaos does make for a good drinking game.

I’ve posted enough blogs by now for you to know that I’ve never been in a relationship, and that the lads I attract tend to be a whole lot of talk and very little walk…HoWeVeR, I have been the third wheel for enough relationships (and been involved in enough situationships) by now to be able to say something about how we’re treating each other. And the main thing that I’ve noticed is that people are so terrified of being on their own, that they stay or get themselves into situations simply because it’s comfortable, and/or because out here in the single world most people are screwing each over left right and centre. I mean, the sheer lack of respect I’ve heard (and seen) demonstrated by some single people when they’re talking to or getting with someone on a night out is ridiculous. And there’s just no need for it!

I’m not saying that we can all come out of every experience looking like the good guy, because no matter how hard each of us might try, there’s always going to be a few moments when we’ve messed up and we just have to swallow that. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t at least try to not be a d*ck, though. Yes, this age is probably the best and most convenient age to get with as many different types of people, in as many different situations as your heart desires because it’s a time when we’re free to put effort into figuring out who we are and what we want, but be aware of what you’re doing as you do it pls.

I’m a big believer in the power of surrounding yourself with sex-positive people who don’t feel the need to apologise for their sexualities because as much as I’m also very sex-positive, there are times when I can fall victim to the voice in my head that likes to give me a cheeky slut shame when I’m hungover. And it’s never about how many people you get with because I know lasses who feel rubbish about the 1 or 2 people they’ve slept with or texted again when they shouldn’t have. It’s about the fact that lots of us aren’t allowing ourselves and others to just have a little bit of fun.

Personally, I’ve not been hurt by a lad in quite a long time now but that’s just because I got bored of being disappointed and making all the moves, so I’m leaving it up to the lads to have the balls from now on. But me having that perspective right now, doesn’t make it inevitable that I’m going to start being rude to a lad who I kiss in a bar by ignoring his texts or playing with his emotions. It also doesn’t mean that I wake up the next day and tell myself off for kissing someone I don’t intend to date. And finally, it most certainly does NOT give me an excuse to judge and shame my friends for having a different approach to romance than me.

So if you’re going to take anything from this week’s ramblings, let it be the acknowledgement that even though it’d be impossible to never be the bad guy in relationships, that isn’t an invitation to always forget about respect. Ask out who you want to ask out, kiss them if you’re both into it, try and be nice about it if you’re not, and go on, have a bit of a FLIRT!

My dissertation was about sex! :o

My dissertation was about sex! :o

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 2 Comments

Considering that quite a few of you took part in the research, it won’t come as a surprise that I wrote my dissertation on whether physically disabled women are perceived as sexy by the societies they live in. (Big big thank you to everyone who took part btw). I don’t really fancy plagiarising myself here though, so I won’t go into the minute detail of the dissertation, but since so many of you contributed and were interested in the topic, it’d be rude of me to not give you the low-down of why I chose it, and what I discovered. So buckle up kids.

If I’m honest, my diss was partly another effort to understand why my love life insists on being so dire. In my first year of university, I wrote a blog about how a friend had asked me whether I thought my disability had ever hindered lads from asking me out or taking things further with me, and what I said then remains true for me now: yes, it has, but I’d be shocked to see anyone admit it. From all my research, and from what I’ve literally seen, able-bodied people are tentative to date or be intimate with physically disabled people (whether maliciously or not), and for the ones with the disabilities, this has at best resulted in being ignored or passively rejected, and at worst just straight-up abused.

The work that I’ve done so far is minuscule when compared to how much work needs to be done. I looked at ‘physically disabled women’ in particular but even that phrase is kind of hollow because it doesn’t even begin to describe the vastly diverse group of people it’s trying to categorise. Furthermore, I didn’t have the words or time to study the impact of race, gender, economic background, type of disability, and all the other aspects which would inevitably influence the experience of sexuality for individuals. I also didn’t have the opportunity to talk to disabled people directly; I used a tonne of literature, but nothing can come close to hearing the words from the ones who feel it. So, whilst my work was informed and (I hope) useful, to call it the tip of the iceberg would be a huge understatement, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I continue to write about this for the rest of my life.

Nonetheless, the overarching theme of this dissertation was one of acceptance and optimism from most of the people who answered my questions. What I will say though, is that often your optimism was naive; it was comforting, but it didn’t really line up with the reality of the world. People gave the correct response by saying that it shouldn’t matter if you have a disability, and it shouldn’t matter how that impacts sexuality because anyone can find love, sex isn’t a fixed thing, and disability shouldn’t ever threaten a person’s ability to experience pleasure within relationships. Only, saying that something shouldn’t happen, doesn’t make it not happen.

For months, I’ve been exposed to the disabled experience on a level that I’d never seen before: for the first time, I was reading and listening to things that felt totally relatable rather than 85% there. The fact is that like all of the ‘isms’, ableism is so ingrained within our society that just because I have a disability, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have prejudices against the disabled community. There’s plenty to unpack there, but I think I’ll leave that for another blog (or two, or three…). But to generalise, the truth is that we’re so concerned with looks and frightened by what we don’t personally understand, that the disabled body has been persistently and systematically defined as undesirable and in need of a cure. To put it even more plainly: I’m disabled, so that means that my body is wrong, so it can’t be pretty and it definitely can’t be sexy, and if someone does find it pretty, then that’s not because of the disability, it’s despite it.

Obviously, there are grey areas here, and each individual can (and is) judged to be beautiful, desirable, and every other positive adjective by individual people. But finding one disabled person gorgeous doesn’t a perfect society make. There need to be some HEFTY changes when it comes to what ‘society’ and individuals understand disability to mean because for pretty much all of history, it’s equalled a mistake that we should ignore and just wait until it dies (or kill it before it lives).

So…how did it feel to write this, when I was sort of writing about myself? Well, it wasn’t great to hear that disabled women are far more likely to experience abuse (psychological and/or physical) within romantic or sexual relationships than able-bodied women. Nor did it feel amazing to read countless experiences of disabled people like being asked to leave restaurants because their appearance might put people off their food, or being persistently pushed to the side and dismissed as irrelevant and pointless. It also almost brought me to tears in the library to read women say that it’d been easier for them to tell people who’d assumed that they couldn’t have children because of their disability that they were right when they weren’t actually right because they could have kids, but the support for disabled women just isn’t there since everyone assumes that they can’t have kids anyway and if they can, then they shouldn’t in case they pass their disability on. But again, that’s not even scratching the surface.

Disabled people aren’t the weak, infirm victims history and modern culture paints us out to be and there are so many examples of fulfilled, happy lives with a disability. However, I share the sentiment that I read basically all of the disabled community expressing, in that the worst of the ‘struggles’ I’ve already had and the ones I’ll continue to have aren’t because of my Spina Bifida, they’re because this world is doing its absolute best to ignore me until I croak.

The thing is though, I’m a loudmouth who’s got a loooot of years left and I plan on making people talk about this because, regardless of whether you’re disabled or not, it has everything to do with you. I hope that in some small way, my blog or whatever else I do in the future can contribute to disabled people actually being listened to and valued because we deserve your attention.

If I can manage that, then that’s a win really innit?

P.S.

Can we all pls manifest that I get a good grade on my diss lol IMAGINE

Be my Valentine

Be my Valentine

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I’ve thought long and hard about how I want to address that. Earlier in the week, I’d toyed with not mentioning it at all and just posting something else I’d written; I thought about how I don’t want the only two themes of my posts to be relationships or my disability, even though I know that those are the topics my readers gravitate towards. But Valentine’s Day is a big deal for lots of people (whether they want it to be or not), since everyone is so aggressively brainwashed to believe that we each need a romantic relationship to experience true happiness or success and that this is the time when we get to show off that happiness and success. Or, we get to not, and then have it implied that we should be sad about that.

I remember when I was about 18, talking to my mum about boyzz, and saying that I thought the reason I’d had disappointing experiences was because I trust people too easily. She scoffed at that, asked what I meant, and said ‘you don’t trust anyone’. That makes her sound really brutal – she’s not brutal, but she is honest, and she made me realise that I like to tell myself that just because I’m extroverted and kind, that that equates to me being super trusting of others. Except, what she said to me when I was 18 remains true as I type this as a 22-year-old: romantically, I don’t trust lads as far as I could throw them.

This lack of trust isn’t founded in some intense trauma; I might have had some bad luck in romance so far, but I’m fortunate to have never suffered that badly from it. Honestly, the worst thing that’s happened to me in that arena is that the very few lads I was really interested in have hidden me. The first boy I ever really liked actively kept me a secret, by asking me to do things like turn my Snapchat maps off if I went to his house so nobody knew I was there, he’d never post me on his story like he would when he was seeing other girls, and he’d only be out in public with me if it suited him. Then there were the other couple of crushes who preferred a kiss behind closed doors and us to never mention it again.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: all of that’s awful and I don’t seem like someone to stand for that ridiculously toxic behaviour with the things I say in these blogs. You’re right about both of those things. I tolerated all of that sh*t when I was younger because it was subtle, I was desperate to be a part of the romantic relationship world, and we don’t always practice what we preach when we’re in the situation.

If I were to describe how I’d feel about being in a relationship now though, I honestly think that my main feeling would be terror. (I laughed when I typed that though, so don’t read this as if I’m crying about it.) I guess I’m scared of being with someone because I have absolutely no idea what that’d look like in my life: I’ve seen others do it, but I don’t know who I’d be in that context. So, the prospect of that degree of new experiences and emotions is ridiculously exciting, yet I can’t help but be scared of it as well.

I think that Valentine’s Day is a funny one because it’s nauseatingly commercialised, and it’s one day of the year when people seem to be obnoxiously happy or obnoxiously bitter or ambivalent about the whole thing. We all know that in the grand scheme of things it matters very little if you get a bit of cardboard through the door saying ‘be my Valentine’ or not, but at the same time, many of us can end up feeling pretty low when the 14th February is like any other day. That’s just because we’re human, and we want to experience love.

So, even though we know Valentine’s Day is pretty pointless, be as obnoxiously happy or sad or anything in between as you want. Plus, it’s Pancake Day soon!

Netflix and..?

Netflix and..?

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

So guess what I tried out last week then.

*guesses*

Tinder. I tried Tinder. lol.

Now, there will be quite a few people who know me very well who’ll be thinking ‘what is she on about, she’s had that app plenty of times before’. And yes, I downloaded it at points when I was a bored teenager, looking for some validation from strangers, as well as something which felt slightly risky to do. I know, I was a wild child: hold me back. Then when I started at university, the pulling scene was tragically dire because nobody here seems to be able to do anything without a drama ensuing, or, it turning out that that random person you got with the other night knows every person in your friendship group. (You might think that I’m overexaggerating, but I’m deadly serious: everyone’s connected in Durham in some way or another).

So yes, I’ve HAD Tinder on my phone before. But have I kept it for more than 3 days? No, I have not. And have I expended much energy texting anyone before? No, I have not. So this time, with the New Years’ Resolution of no drama in mind, I took to the internet and I committed to having Tinder on my phone for a week. Which doesn’t sound like very long, but it was quite substantial for me.

The reason I’ve always been so quick to delete Tinder is simply because I don’t like how soulless the whole thing is. I’m not on board with the fact that you’re judging people in a matter of milliseconds based on the photos they’ve chosen to represent them; it takes away all of the fun of being surprised by someone having good chat, or being really funny, or clever, or charming, or any other aspect of what actually makes a person a person. Also, the pressure of writing a bio to describe exactly what I’m like is far too much. I can’t be funny on command. Plus there’s the whole thing of, do I explain my disability straight away, or do I wait until we meet, do I want to have those conversations on Tinder with a stranger? blah blah blah

More than anything though, I’ve always had a level of anxiety around the idea that I’d spend time texting a stranger and then have to actually MEET UP with them. And I know that that sounds stupid, since I’m not shy in social situations, but maybe the fact that I’ve never been on a ‘first date’ before makes me freak out at the idea of what it would actually be like, so then the concept of seeing someone I’ve met from TINDER (!) goes against every instinct I have. Nevertheless, a few of my friends have had successes when it comes to the app, so I thought in this romantically hectic university environment, I’d give it a go.

I’m not going to go into crazy details about my experience but long story short, I texted someone for a few days, he was nice, I was feeling spontaneous and I went round to his to watch a film. (Before you start, we did actually watch the film, that wasn’t a euphemism.) As nice as the evening was however, it did solidify that the Tinder life is just not the one for me. It’s too orchestrated. I know that it depends on what you want from it, and I definitely wouldn’t want a relationship from Tinder, but even the prospect of just wanting sex out of it, I don’t know, I think I like the build-up too much.

As far as I’ve seen, the pandemic has made it so we’ve kind of forgotten how to flirt with each other. We’re so not used to being able to be in rooms with people we know, that we don’t always remember how much fun it can be to interact with total strangers. To me, flirting isn’t something you only do with a person you’re attracted to and I know that that approach has gotten me into trouble a bit sometimes because people have misinterpreted my intentions towards them. But speaking to someone in a flirtatious way can be subtle and nuanced, and merely a method for having a bit of a laugh: it really doesn’t have to be that deep.

So, there we go, the second week of January 2022 showed me that I like the dance of working someone out when I first meet them, and Tinder just sucks all of the fun out of human interactions for me. If it doesn’t do that for you then power to you – everyone’s different. But, I don’t think that that app will be making an appearance on my phone again any time soon and if you do spot me on there, then ask me if I’m okay please.

Why’d you text him again?

Why’d you text him again?

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Why’d you do it then, eh? Why bother texting him again when you know he’s a dick? When you know he’ll leave it a few hours (even though he’s always on his phone, and definitely knows that it’s there). When you know he’s not that interested – YOU’RE not even that interested. So if you don’t really like him that much then why bother with putting yourself through the annoyance of it? Why’d you text him, if all you’re going to do is avoid your social media, waiting for his name to disappear from your notifications screen? What’s the point? Just ignore him, and forget about it. Yes, good idea. Delete the message thread, forget about it, move it along. Until the next one that is…

Hands up if you felt personally attacked by that first paragraph!

Well, if it’s any consolation, I just read myself to absolute filth and those were all questions my friends have asked me plenty of times, though I’ve undoubtedly asked myself them more. So, why do we text him – or her ! – over and over, when we’re the first ones to admit how tedious it all is? Where’s the logic?

For me, I think it’s a combination of lots of things. For example, the being constantly exposed to media and culture where romantic relationships seem to be necessary for overall happiness, the desperately wanting to feel known by someone (and to know them), the hormones, and the heavy, heavy boredom. I think it’s defo the hormones and the boredom which override the logic on a consistent basis, though. Which is fun.

On a less personal note, however, I think that what’s keeping us shushing the logical parts of ourselves is that romantic relationships are all we ever seem to talk about. Whether it’s a discussion of someone you just walked past and found attractive, your favourite celebrity, someone you had sex with last week, someone you might ask out on a date, or even the more abstract discussion of ‘who, out of our mates, would you date if you HAD to?’, sex and relationships are just constantly on the mind. In fact, the only people I know who don’t discuss these topics as regularly, are the ones in relationships – but even they get excited by their single friends’ tales of romance.

I’ve no clue why all of us are so hung up on this aspect of life, and I’m well aware that I’m as bad as anyone for it. But it’s the New Year, and I hAvE a rEsOLuTion people !! I’d sincerely like to stop wasting my time just for the sake of it.

I love people, I love a flirt, and I love a bit of drama, so I’ve had my fair share of situations with boys since the age of about fifteen. Still, I could honestly only count on one hand the lads that I was genuinely interested in; everyone else, I either fancied but knew it’d never work, or didn’t even fancy them that much, I just liked the attention. Oh god that sounds awful, doesn’t it? But we’ve all done it! In fact, I’m 100% sure that there have been plenty of occasions when boys have been thinking this way about me; it’s not a reflection on you (though it can certainly feel like that sometimes), it’s just how it is.

A few months ago, I was sitting on my friend’s bed, having a bit of a it’s-winter-I’m-tired-I-don’t-want-to-write-any-more-essays-can-it-be-Christmas-now sob, and in the middle of it I said the words ‘I’m just so tired of feeling this lonely’. I know, tragic. And I’ve written many blogs about how I’ve not wanted to be single for years; how I’ve felt left out because the only romantic experiences I’ve had so far have been a headache. Though, other reasons have also exacerbated these thoughts, like how much easier dealing with shit like my feet would be if I just had someone there who’s interested enough to care. Or even the fact that doing things would be nicer if there was someone there to do them with. But as bored as I am of being lonely, I’m more bored of saying how bored and lonely I am. So I’m not going to do it anymore.

Famous last words…

I’m seriously going to give it a go this time though!! I know I’ll probably stumble, because it’s surprisingly difficult to avoid all drama at a university where that seems to be all anyone talks about; not to mention the fact that I’m a total sucker for the will-they-won’t-they first stages. But I’m unbelievably picky, and stuff doesn’t work out; I end up getting upset, feeling like a failure, and we’re back to square one. SO, I’m going to start asking myself if I really will benefit from texting him again, when I know that we wouldn’t work and I don’t like him as much as I like the attention. I’m going to wait and see if he’s got the balls to show me that he likes me, before I try to control everything. And last on the list of New Years’ Resolutions: I’m going to acknowledge that there’s no time for pointless drama when there’s a degree to get, and a life after university to figure out. No more drunk-texting: only fun, easy, stress-free situations.

Come on 2022, you can give me that, can’t you?

Please don’t waste my time

Please don’t waste my time

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Lord knows that I’m appreciative of men. Some of my favourite people on the planet are men, and most of the time I’d probably prefer the company of a man rather than a woman. But I’m sorry lads, sometimes you can be absolute trash.

This past year I’ve experienced a (sometimes) overwhelming feeling of loneliness when it comes to romance. I’m 21 years old now and I think it’s safe to say that I’ve not been all that lucky when it comes to love for reasons I can’t really control. Naturally, this has gotten me in my feelings at points but this past year has made me lose all patience with the game of it.

I don’t know about you ladies, but I’ve wasted far too much time and energy on boys who have no clue what or who they want…and I am SICK OF IT. Whether it be talking to the straight-up f**k boys who chat a lot of romance until they’re around their mates, or the ‘nice’ lads who like you but not as much as they think you like them – not that they ever actually ask you how interested you are – I’m exhausted from the soap opera of it all.

This accommodation of men and their feelings we spend so much of our time doing, has got to end. If you’re texting a boy and he’s being sketchy, just cut it off. If you feel like you’re convincing someone to spend time with you, stop it. If when you talk about him to your mates you’re constantly making excuses to make him seem like less of a pr*ck, realise what you’re doing and how little sense that makes.

Many lads say that they want ‘simple’ and complain about how complicated girls are all of the time, but I’m sorry, from my experience the male species are riddles wrapped in enigmas that I’m expected to unravel. Why? Why should I do that? I don’t want to have to do that. I’m not making you do the same with me…

This isn’t an angry rant, because I feel calmer about my love life than I have for a really long time. I’m not saying that I don’t still want a boyfriend – that’d be ideal to be honest – I’m just at the point where I can’t face the game of it anymore. It’s really unrewarding. I’m also not trying to imply that I’m perfect when it comes to romance; nobody is. But I do know that I try to always treat people with respect, and I never waste anyone’s time on purpose.

After all, if someone values and respects you enough, then they’ll make an effort to spend time with you. If they don’t – regardless of what they say – then they’ll mess you about. Unfortunately however, it does seem like the age we’re at is a time when most people just want to mess about a bit. And that’s fair enough: you’re young, have some fun. But I want to have a fun, exciting, adult relationship with someone who cares about me as much as I do them, and I don’t see why that should have to start with some pointless game of ‘who’s going to text first?’.

So I’m not gunna do it anymore, and neither should you.

Question 1

Question 1

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

We all know that horrible (kind of exciting) feeling when you see someone, think they’re fit, and you want to go up to them but don’t really know what to do once you get there. And normally, I’m pretty clumsy about it: I’m probably too loud and giddy, or too flirty or too subtle and then I spend hours after the time I saw the boy thinking about how I should’ve acted, or what I could’ve said, hating on what I actually said…it’s just a big old mess to be honest hahahah.

So I wanted to know, whether the boys us girls are embarrassing ourselves in front of, feel the same way in this situation…

And oh my god they do.

The overriding feeling coming from the answers I received though, was that they’d rather not feel like they have to make the first move. And I don’t blame them. We all know that this is a pretty toxic expectation of our society, but it’s also not an easy one to change. For example, I wrote an entire blog on how when I’ve made the first move it’s often made me seem like a slut…so…

But unfortunately, this huge pressure on young men has made some of them ‘not even bother’ because they ‘don’t know how’. Some boasted confidence with comments such as ‘I don’t approach, I get approached ;)’ but then went on to talk about how terrified they are of rejection. Not only that, they’re extra frightened that other people will ‘find out’ about it. And they’re especially wary of girls and their friendship groups because as they said, ‘once the girl hates you, so do all of her friends’. (*not always true, but fair assumption*)

Many were frightened of ‘having the piss taken out of them’. Or not being able to ‘come up with the most interesting conversation starter possible’. They don’t want ’embarrassing stories’ made up about them ‘failing’. And nobody wants the ‘reputation’ of always being the guy to ask lots of people out because then they look like a ‘f***boy’ and that’s not going to help them much either. Others also spoke about fears of ‘coming on too strong’, or seeming ‘creepy’ and accidentally ‘making the girl feel uncomfortable’.

So first of all, I’d just like to say that the fact all of these things are even thoughts going through your heads means that you’ve all got very little to worry about. You’re clearly decent, considerate, lovely people. A fact I already knew. Still I recognise, that my saying that won’t make the paranoia disappear.

Clearly, many of these boys don’t want to be that hyper-masculine, pushy version of a ‘man’, but they’re also not that comfortable with being the opposite. They fear that if they go in completely the other direction, they might be deemed a ‘coward’, ‘too quiet’, or just plain ‘awkward’. And finding that middle ground is difficult to do when you’re only 20.

It would also be entirely futile for me to respond to them and say ‘just be yourself’, ‘just relax’, or ‘try not to overthink it’. Since telling someone to relax in this situation is about as helpful as ‘where’d you leave it?’ when you’ve lost something.

But if these boys will allow me to give them a little piece of advice, since I’m part of the gender many of them are trying to pull, I’d say that awkward is not a deal-breaker. It’s not ideal, but it’s not a deal-breaker. Pushy and rude is a deal-breaker. So defo lean more towards awkward.

It’s completely unfair and pointless that we still have this social standard where boys are expected to make the first move. So I want to end this blog by making a request to all the girls reading this: do us all a favour and just risk it sometimes. If boys can be brave enough to put their egos on the line when they find someone attractive, then so can we. We’re all going to suffer some blows and experience rejection. It never feels great, but you don’t die either.

So f*** it: ask him out.