Tag: safety

The stress of the sesh

The stress of the sesh

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

If we’re going to be honest about it, then realistically, most university students do not have a very healthy relationship with alcohol.

Or do we? Because, what do we mean when we say ‘a healthy relationship’? And does whatever definition we’ve concocted to answer that question change according to context? These questions can be rhetorical, or not, depending on your opinion and your own situation but for me, life as a university student is its own unique beast, and going back to a ‘proper’ university experience after quarantine has made me reassess my own relationship with drink.

Every student will know that one of the best parts of the university experience is the partying: the thrill of meeting new people and deciding whether you’re going to sacrifice tomorrow’s seminar for the sesh. Whether it’s the middle of the night conversations, the drunken silliness, the dancing, or the escape, alcohol and nights out afford university students freedom and liberation from not knowing who they are or what they want to do yet. (They also offer us an obscene amount of fun.) But our youth and our energy can cloud our judgement so much that sometimes we don’t realise that we’re regularly ingesting a really harmful drug. Saying that, I’m not about to bitch about drinking culture nor am I here to announce a ‘new, sober me’ because my love for the sesh and a vodka lemonade are too much to allow me to commit to that. However, after going out more this year and seeing familiar faces I’ve become a little paranoid about people’s perception of me after they’ve seen me drunk.

Unfortunately, we’ve all embarrassed ourselves when under the influence: we’ve said something we shouldn’t have, we’ve tumbled on the dance floor (although for me, that’s not particularly embarrassing lol), we’ve flirted with someone we shouldn’t have, and we’ve puked on someone’s floor. But what makes these things okay, is that most of us do our best to get drunk with and around our friends: with people we can trust. Having that security blanket of no judgement can mean that whatever mistake you make after that second tequila doesn’t have to define you for longer than you’d like it to. Although, if it was ridiculous and funny enough then you can count on someone having filmed it or made a mental note to never forget it and periodically remind you of it. Oh, the delights of friendship.

Occasionally however, in this university bubble you may find yourself with a group of people who have only ever seen you whilst drunk. And whilst that might not bother others, it doesn’t sit right with me because my next-day boozer anxiety makes me feel like I gave too much of myself to strangers. I don’t like the idea that there are people who only know me as whatever slurred words I said one night because I don’t know them enough to trust that there won’t be any judgement. I’ve never said anything that bad, or that deep, but still, I don’t know, I prefer to know people properly before we see each other drunk.

I think it’s also important to mention here that another layer of trust needed when drinking with people, is that you’re physically safe. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks then you’ve seen that there’s been a huge and frightening problem with university students – mostly young women – being spiked whilst on nights out. Thankfully, it’s not something that has ever happened to me (touch wood), but if it did then the first thing that I would need in that moment is the support and help of those I’d gone on the night-out with. My friends and I aren’t always perfect when it comes to watching out for everyone on a night out because we’re young, we can get silly, and sometimes we can definitely get distracted by the fact that we’re horny, but I’m happy in the knowledge that if I were ever in trouble or if I ever felt like something was wrong then they’d sort me out in a matter of minutes. It might take a few minutes if they’ve been on the VKs, but it’d happen nonetheless.

So this week I mostly just want to encourage you to be aware of who you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable around; drinking is fun, but only if you’re safe whilst you’re doing it. Watch how much of yourself you give to people – both physically and emotionally – and look out for your friends. Obviously, this would be the perfect time for me to say ‘drink responsibly’ but I don’t think many of us adhere to what the government describes as ‘responsible’ at this age…so I’ll leave you instead with this request: be careful.

The girls’ bathroom

The girls’ bathroom

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

When speaking to boys, sometimes there comes a point in the conversation when they ask me why the bloody hell girls go to the toilet together. And, once we’re in there, why’ve we got to take so long?

The most obvious answer is that we get to have a chat – and it’s quicker to cram loads of you in there, so you can go straight after each other whilst chatting… So yes, often we chat about stupid things, like how we’ve spotted a really fit boy and need to give each other a pep-talk before someone tries it on with him when we leave the bathroom. But then sometimes the conversations can take a whole other direction.

I’ve been in bathrooms and spoken with girls where they’ve confided in me about some really dark stuff. I’ve had separate girls tell me that they have an eating disorder they’ve never told anyone about, that they’re struggling with their mental health, and one even told me that she was in an abusive relationship. It’s in the safety and privacy of the girls’ toilets, that we get to be completely honest with each other and confess things that we may have been scared to tell anyone in any other environment.

Even though there will inevitably be someone shouting and banging on the cubicle door for those inside to ‘hurry up, I NEED A WEE’ in the background, we pass toilet roll over or under the cubicle dividers, try to speed up, and give that emotionally vulnerable female the attention she needs. And doing that is so important.

The ways in which women and girls regularly share their feelings with each other, has been subject to a lot of mockery throughout time. But whilst some of the conversations might be cringey, convoluted, drunken ‘I love yous’ and ‘you’re the best friend ever’, even those silly moments help set up a space of mutual love and trust. Yes, women can back-stab and b**** about each other, but there’s also this indescribably close bond that builds between a group of girls – and it’s conversations like those we have in the bathroom which help contribute to that.

I’m not saying that we exclusively cry and have ‘deep’ conversations when we go to the toilet, because sometimes we do the opposite. Sometimes we cram a group of us into one cubicle, only for someone to do some impressive and moderately dangerous acrobatics on the toilet seat to make everyone else laugh. Other times, we just go to de-sweat from dancing.

But then on the most serious end of the scale, the girls’ bathroom can act as a sanctuary or panic room for some girls.

There have been times in my life where I’ve gone on nights out and I’ve had groups of boys try to cut me off from the rest of my group. I’ve had friends who’ve had their drinks spiked. I, and many of my friends, have had physical contact we didn’t ask for or want. One time I was actually hit on my bum – right on the spot where all of the nerves which would allow me to have feeling in my feet are in a knot. So that slap caused me to not only feel violated and publicly humiliated, but it put me into excruciating pain for a few minutes – imagine someone dropping 2 weights on both of your feet at the same time. That’s what it feels like when the lump on my back is hit.

So in those times, girls know that they can go to the girls’ bathroom and that they’re less likely to be followed or trapped. There’ll be a huge group of more females there able to help or protect them. They can call someone from their phone to come help, or they can even call the police.

I adore men. I have so many men in my life who are some of the most amazing, caring and sensitive people on the planet. I know that when they hear of mine and my female friends’ experiences like this, they’re appalled and in disbelief because they would never do anything like that. But unfortunately, these things still happen, and they happen all the time. Often men just don’t notice when it does because they’ve never really had to worry whether they’ll be on the receiving end of it, so their radar for it is simply not on the same frequency.

That girls’ bathroom is so much more to women and girls than a place to cry about someone not texting us back. We need and cherish that space for our physical and emotional well-being.

Even if only for someone to dry your tears, tell you you look hot and to get back out there.

Like a virgin

Like a virgin

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This week I want to talk about the one thing that FILLS the minds of people of all ages, especially those around my age and younger: sex – more specifically, losing your virginity.

It’s a big topic since everyone’s sex life is such a huge deal in today’s society. People put so much pressure on when and how they should lose their virginity, that the act itself is made out to be this big, momentous, personality-shaping, potentially life-ruining moment. To a large extent, I agree that the details of when and how you have sex for the first time are massively important, but not for the same reasons society forces us to believe.

First of all, I don’t believe that there’s a ‘right’ age to do it (except past the legal age obviously). Whenever you choose to have sex, as long as you’re both safe, able to change your minds and feel ready, then so what if you’ve known each other for years or for hours? There’s no need to build it up to be this moment where you need to have been in a relationship for years, on some romantic weekend away, with rose petals on the bed. Let’s be frank, for most people it’s kind of messy and uncomfortable and anticlimactic. Oh, and for most girls, it hurts like a B**** (!) for the first time: yeah, they don’t mention that bit in the movies, do they?

Also boys/girls (but mainly boys): if the girl bleeds, then just be a nice guy and don’t freak out about it. You may not have known that sometimes that happens (and that it’s tOtally normal) but equally, the girl might have had no idea either and your reaction will be a big deal in how she feels about it and herself – both at the time and afterwards. Speaking from experience, the boy I lost my virginity to wasn’t a saint in how he treated me overall, but when I bled he didn’t care one bit so neither did I – if you’re reading this buddy, thanks for that. Xx

Having worked at a girls’ school and just generally being surrounded by people, it’s clear to me that popular culture’s airbrushed narrative of sex and the loss of a person’s virginity is toxic for the individual. You have girls and boys with these unrealistic notions of what sex is going to be like, ultimately ending with disappointment when their reality doesn’t match what they expected. I have so many friends who’ve felt like they nEEded to lose their virginity before University, or in the first week, just so they didn’t have to carry the shame of not being experienced in that area. Sex is a super intimate thing to do with someone, and like everything, you get better with practice.

Personally, I don’t have anything against one-night stands – hey, if you’ve got an itch to scratch, then do you (!safely!) – but I very strongly believe that they should NOT happen through someone being ashamed of being a virgin. That shouldn’t even come into play.

So, if you’re reading this as a virgin, then please don’t force yourself to rush into it just because you think you need to, and don’t expect it to be perfect! I mean, I lost my virginity at 17, but at 20 I’m still yet to thoroughly enJOY sex because, fun fact: it takes a lot of females years of being sexually active and a few sexual partners to get the full experience we all hear so much about. So if you’re in that position too, then it’s cool man, you’re not the only one. Plus, just because you don’t have an orgasm doesn’t mean that it’s not fun.

If you’re over the legal age, feel ready, and are safe (in every way), then you’re good to go. But if you aren’t ALL 3 of those things- even if just 1 of them isn’t right- then like I told my Year 11 girls who asked me about this when I was a Teaching Assistant, the braver and more worthwhile thing to do is just wait until you can tick all 3 of those boxes. Looking after yourself is a l w a y s a good idea, especially when it comes to sex – and that goes for e v e r y o n e.

Losing your virginity might be a bit of a flop orgasm-wise, but as far as I’m concerned sex should always just be fun. So do it with someone that you like and feel good around – that way, it’d be hard not to enjoy it.

A n d u s e p r o t e c t i o n k i d s !