Tag: travelling

The part of being on your own, that we don’t always say out loud

The part of being on your own, that we don’t always say out loud

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I used to really struggle to enjoy doing anything on my own. And I know that that’s not really a cool thing to admit, because everybody seems to like to say they’re an introvert on social media nowadays, but as the youngest sister of three brothers, until I moved to university, I can honestly say I’d never spent much time with my own thoughts. Especially since I wasn’t the teenager who shut their bedroom door as soon as they got back from school; if I’d been alone in my bedroom for longer than an hour on a weekend, it was so strange that at least one of my parents would be coming upstairs at some point to ask me if I was okay.

I didn’t even feel like I was ever on my own when I went solo travelling for a few months. If anything, this period of time was made so fun because I spent 99% of it around people: ones from all corners of the world, with all sorts of life experiences I’d never heard of, so I spent a big chunk of my trips listening to and telling stories with strangers.

And so, university was the time when I started to properly be on my own, and if I’m frank about it, I hated it. For various reasons, the environment made me insecure and the extra time alone with my thoughts didn’t do much to fight that. But I grew tired of feeling this way, and my love of a plan made me stop waiting for someone to agree to do things with me and just go do them on my own. To psyche myself up for it I thought, hey if people look at me weird when I walk into this cinema solo, then I’ll just ignore it. But then you get there, and nobody cares. It’s great.

It wasn’t the side-eyes from other people that made me a little self-conscious about doing things on my own, though – not really – the aspect of being alone which still makes me a little nervous is that it’s not always very safe for me, because of my gender.

Ask any woman and she’ll be able to tell you the tricks we use to avoid weirdos when walking down a street in the dark: only wearing one headphone, having your keys prepped like a weapon in between your fingers, using that peripheral vision to check if somebody is following you, or calling a friend for most of the journey – to name a few. Once the sun has gone down, you feel your sense of safety crack and during some journeys, no matter how short or familiar, you find yourself holding your breath a little until you can shut a door behind you. It sounds dramatic, but it’s the reality for many women who have the audacity to go outside once the sun is down. And it’s something that my brothers and my male friends have very rarely had to even imagine.

Not only am I female and therefore (unfortunately, ludicrously) more vulnerable to being attacked or harassed, but I also have a physical disability and I’m 5 foot 1, so I’m hyper-aware of the fact that if somebody really wanted to corner me, or pick me up, then there’s very little I’d be able to do about it. I wouldn’t be able to run away. And I feel that knowledge so viscerally when I’m on my own, that I try to take every precaution to maintain my safety so that I can do something as outlandish as go to a concert or a theatre show and enjoy it. Clearly, I don’t think it’s even remotely okay that I have to live like this, but not taking the precautions and as a result, maybe having something happen (touch wood that it doesn’t please as you read this, thank yOU) wouldn’t be worth it.

So yes, I’m a huge believer in doing things on your own because it’s brought me a sense of empowerment and personal strength that I don’t think I could get from anywhere else. However, the way the world is means that if a woman is happy to spend time by herself, she’s also probably going to feel unsafe or vulnerable at points. It’s an unfair and vile reality, but ignoring the fact of it doesn’t do anything to change it. Therefore, I encourage you to go traveling, or out for food, or for a drink, or to the cinema, or to the beach to read a book on your own – to get to know yourself – but remember your safety too.

Then if you see someone enjoying their own company, respect that, and if she asks you to walk her home, don’t let your ego get carried away by thinking that she’s proposing. Yes, she might fancy you, but also, she might just want to reach a doorway without feeling that weight on her back as she walks towards it.

I ran away to the Ukrainian mountains

I ran away to the Ukrainian mountains

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

As many of you have seen on social media, I went back to Ukraine this summer to work as a summer camp counsellor for a month, and if any of you are prOper big-time stalkers (*cough* I mean, ‘followers’…) of my work, then you’ll know that this wasn’t my first rodeo: I did the same job at the end of my year abroad two years ago. And what’s funny about coming back from doing anything for an extended period, is that people ask you how it was: some ask you out of politeness when they’re not really that interested, and others ask you because they truly want to know. But then when it comes to it, there’s no way you can effectively concentrate a month’s worth of experiences into one conversation, so you’re left with the ‘oh yeah, it was really fun thanks’.

I wanted to go back to Ukraine for two main reasons. The first was that I wanted to go to a different country because I like seeing other places, and because this year pretty much everyone on the planet has had the urge to leave their home country ever since being literally confined to it by law. The second reason related to the first, but was distinct in that I wanted to go somewhere else because for so long I felt stuck. I’d thoroughly enjoyed my second year at university but a pandemic, online learning, and the basic fact that I don’t really enjoy my degree made it so that I had this feeling that I was waiting around for something to happen only I had no idea what that something was. So I guess if we want to psychoanalyse it, I was eager to go back to do something I’d done during my year abroad since that was the time that I’d felt the surest of who I was and what I was doing.

The pandemic threw everyone for a loop, we know this, but my feeling lost and directionless at times can’t be wholly attributed to Ms Rona: it must also be a side-effect of our school systems telling us all the way through our adolescence that we need to know every step of our lives at least five years in advance. If you don’t plan, and if you don’t know, then you’ve done something wrong, you’re failing at adulting.

For the longest time, I knew I wanted to go to university and study Japanese Studies. So, then when I got there and realised that not only did I not enjoy it, but that the teaching had beaten my confidence down so much that I started to genuinely believe that I’m a bit stupid, it came as I nasty shock. And though I’d never really thought about it before, I now acknowledge that when situations or people stress me out, make me feel embarrassed or upset, I prefer to just run away and hide so I have time to make sense of it in my head. Hence the trip to the Carpathian mountains to fuck about doing dance routines and eating grechka with some kids for a month. Grechka, by the way, is this buckwheat thing and whilst I love some Ukrainian foods, grechka isn’t for me…it’s just that consistency in between needing to chew it and not needing to chew it…kinda gross. But anyway, back to the analysis of emotions.

I’m not about to criticise the part of my personality that likes to hide sometimes, because I don’t see why we need to change every little inconvenient part of ourselves, but I will say that I need to be less hard on myself right now. Yes, once you leave school and move out, you become an adult and there are lots of responsibilities associated with that, however, that process doesn’t automatically come with knowing exactly what you’re going to be doing at every stage of your life. Therefore, we should start cutting ourselves some slack for feeling a little lost sometimes. Especially considering we just lived/are living through an iNtErNAtiONal pANdeMIC.

On that note, coming back from Ukraine to see people no longer afraid of standing near strangers, of hugging, of going to a festival, of dancing in a bar, has really helped with dampening all those intense anxieties building up in me for the past 18 months. Let’s not be silly and assume that the stresses have completely gone – I’m still a languages student with no real semblance of a year abroad – bUT (!) as everything relaxes, and musicians release new music, life feels like it’s moving again. And thank fuck for that.

Corona, you’ve turned my world upside down

Corona, you’ve turned my world upside down

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I guess the only thing I can really speak about this Sunday, is how the corona pandemic has affected my life. But don’t worry people, I haven’t got it. Or at least, I don’t think I have, seeing as people my age can just have it without knowing that they do…

But I’m pretty sure I haven’t got it…………………….? mOViNG oN

Living at University, my friends and I were all in a bubble where the world didn’t really seem to affect us much. The biggest excitement of our days was the prospect of a night out or any other silly s*** we could get up to. So when we woke up to be told that our University was going to shut early, and that we should take all of our stuff home with us just in case we didn’t come back for third term, we were all pretty taken aback. To add to that weirdness, I realised that I was going to have to call up KLM to ask them to move my flight because ever since February, my home is Peru. Which in itself is a totally new and bizarre concept.

I’d woken up ready to have a very relaxing day: I was going to watch some Netflix, eat some food, maybe shave my legs (Wild. I know), then go get drunk for my friend’s birthday. But at 2pm I realised that instead of this crazy Friday I’d had planned, I needed to speed-pack a suitcase and drive home to Yorkshire, ready to catch a flight to Peru the following morning. Complete madness.

Then when I was navigating through the airports, I was surrounded by people doing exactly the same thing. Some of them were pretty jovial and nonchalant about it, whilst others were complete nervous wrecks. The girl sitting next to me on the flight almost lost it when she spotted someone lying horizontally across the seats with a protective mask covering her mouth. I managed to calm her down by telling her that that girl lying down was severely disabled, and had come onto the plane in a wheelchair: she wasn’t dying of corona virus.

I’ve never had anyone look at me with such gratitude as she did once I’d told her that. *eye roll*

After over 24 hours, I made it here a day before the borders shut, and have been living in a state of national emergency ever since. What, you might ask, does that entail? Well! Let me tell you! It means that: if you leave your apartment for anything other than to go to the shop or to walk your dog, you’ll get arrested and fined £2000. So, since I don’t really fancy being locked up in a Peruvian prison surrounded by people speaking a language that I don’t, I haven’t been outside since I arrived. I feel it’s the most logical choice.

In all seriousness, the modern world has never experienced something like corona, and it’s led to a lot of things being cancelled. These cancellations has then resulted in a whole lot of sulking. And it’s 100% fine to sulk! I’m sulking about not having a summer term at University, and the idea of not seeing my friends for months. But just so we can help this thing end sooner and minimise the amount of people hurt by it, can everyone please just sulk at home? The sooner we sit in self-isolation, doing a jigsaw or playing monopoly, the sooner we’ll be able to get back to normal.

I’ve been in total lock-down for a week now and it’s really not that bad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lOVing it, and I’d really rather not, but sometimes we’ve got to do things we don’t want to do. So don’t be selfish, and just stay inside for a few weeks until this all blows over. Also, don’t be that idiot who freaks out and stockpiles food: you’re not actually living through The Day After Tomorrow.

Plus! At least through all of this chaos and weirdness, the planet is getting some time to breathe as we stop polluting and abusing it so much for a few months. That’s got to be good, doesn’t it?

2019

2019

by elizabethmdouglas ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

2019 has been the most influential year of my life, and it’s one that I’ll remember until I’m an old disabled lady, sitting in a comfy bed, complaining about the state of young people and their antics. Though, I kind of hope that I won’t do that last bit…unless it’s ironically…

Nepal was my first insight into what absolute bliss feels like. My favourite memory (of many) is sitting in a small pagoda in front of the monastery, on the side of a mountain, hidden by the jungle, as the sun was setting. I remember stroking the puppy sitting on my knee, 4 other dogs at my feet, and listening to the children singing their prayer in the temple to the background noise of all the other wildlife. I’m not religious at all, and I’m not really a spiritual person, but in that moment I completely understood why those monks chose to spend their lives in spaces such as that, away from the noise of the modern world. And no, I didn’t record it, since no recording on any device would’ve been able to capture it- but it’s always going to be in my head.

South Korea re-ignited my love for the Far East, and showed me that I can manage my disability on that side of the planet after all. The biggest indicator of this being the fact that I successfully spoke (broken) Korean in A&E of a hospital in Seoul, got myself some antibiotics, and didn’t have to fly home immediately. Oh, and I went on a date with a Korean policeman. Good times.

Fiji was the hardest of my trips. I had some points of bliss like Nepal – the most notable being singing to myself on a private island whilst washing dishes in the pacific ocean. It might not sound as sublime as how I described the scene in Nepal, but I liked the simplicity of it and I love the ocean, so it was perfect to me. But, I didn’t like all of my experiences in Fiji so I learnt how important, and possible, it is to make the best out of a disappointing situation.

Ukraine worked me harder than any of my travels, and it was some of the most fun I had this year. I have so many memories from those 2 months that it’d be too hard to pick a favourite. What that time taught me more than anything, was that I lOve people, and that I need to keep making friends from all over the world. As one of my wonderful American pals put it when we realised that we didn’t know when or if we’d have the chance to see each other again, I love knowing that you all exist somewhere in the world. I hope that you keep making people smile as much as you made me smile for those 2 months in the middle of the Carpathian Mountains.

This year I realised so much about myself and others whilst being in different countries, that when I came back I was able to appreciate everything in my native country so much more. To me, the Yorkshire hills are as beautiful as the Nepali mountains and the safety of being with people I’ve known forever, is just what I needed after all that newness. (That is a word btw, google it).

But overall, 2019 has taught me just how much I want to know about the world and everything in it. So I hope that the next 12 months bring me as many adventures as the last, and that next year’s post has as many happy memories in it as this one.